I was on the road for a month, came home for a while to unpack and wash some dirty clothes, then headed out again with clean laundry in my bag. I was traveling alone, again. It began in Kyiv, Ukraine, to El Nido, in the Philippines, and ended up in Ubud, Bali on October 7. The journey had been amazing. It was both mind-blowing and heart-warming. I could not imagine how does it feel for those who had been on the road constantly for 8 months, a year, two years—and I met loads of them along the way.

When I started last September, I thought when I got home I would be busy writing as well as posting stories and pictures, because—why, of course there would be so many things to tell, and too many things to share!

But that was not the case.

The truth is, I still couldn’t get myself to write anything about the places I had visited, the people I had met, or the things that had happened to me—because I simply wasn’t ready.

There were days when I just left my camera in my hostel room; or days when I actually carried it in my bag; but didn’t even bother to capture anything—just because I wanted to be ‘here’ with the whole of my being. There were days when I left my guidebook on my bed and just strolled along the city I barely knew; tried to strike conversations in local language with random people I bumped into; welcomed some strangers’ invitations to hit the street and explore what each crossings had to offer…

The journey had been both liberating and overwhelming; in a sense that: well, I experienced much more first-times in one single month compared to what I had experienced in the last 5 years. That was surprising. Such an eye-opener. And it seemed like wherever I went, people kept sending me this message: “Enjoy the moment. Relax. Don’t rush.”

So, I did. And the result was just amazing, it hit me so hard I felt like I had become a new person. I had become more of myself.

Maybe this is a thank-you note, or maybe this is just a note, but the thing is (and you don’t know this) when I spotted you for the very first time, a poem from Silverstein came into mind, instantly, as if you were made out of these words:

There are no happy endings
Endings are the saddest part,
So just give me a happy middle
And a very happy start.

Oh, and when I said “I spotted you”, I wasn’t referring to the moment when I was seeing you for the very first time (well, didn’t I tell you once that looks can be deceiving?).

Rather, I was talking about the moment when I realized how comfortable it was when you were near.

***

You know how neat encounters with random people you’ve met along the way could change you somehow—giving you worthwhile life-lessons as they brushed upon the walls of your life. My encounter with you is one about being.

I know that life is what you make of it—and most of the time, it’s about shutting down your perturbing mind and letting your heart takes over. To do so, all these times, I thought it was more about having to be brave, courageous or adventurous (even reckless). But I was wrong. Turned out it was more about being comfortable—to feel content, certain, and light. You realized that your mind was still, and you didn’t hear contradicting voices, and your heart was calm and you felt peaceful, as if things were meant to happen and were meant to happen this way.

It feels as if a new chapter of my life is opening up right in front of me: the sun is bright, the path is clear, the breeze is cool, and the future seems enchanting. Of course, I was intrigued to question things, to indulge myself in the thoughts of us, to want more… but soon I felt guilty, as if I weren’t being thankful. Why want more if we have just enough? Because one day, when we meet again, I’ll whisper to your ear that I have no regrets, and you’ll understand.

***

Some people would ask me what the point of this note actually is, and what’s the closing would be.

But, really, do we need any?

A cup of espresso on such a serene afternoon. Embracing the silence by the window, staring into nothingness. The residue of the past turns into dust; and everything’s sparkling under the sun.

I’ll just say: thank you.

Apart from eating, writing, reading, and sleeping, I spent my Lebaran holiday trying out this Red Velvet recipe from Magnolia’s recipe book (a present for my 29th birthday from Ri). It was indeed quite complicated, so many ingredients, and took quite a lot of time to finish, but it turned out surprisingly well!

Red velvet cake recipe:

• 3 ⅓ cups flour (not self-rising) 
• ¾ cup (1 ½ sticks) unsalted butter, softened
• 2 ¼ cups sugar
  
• 3 large eggs, at room temperature 
• 6 tablespoons red food coloring
  
• 3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa
• 1 ½ teaspoons vanilla extract
  
• 1 ½ teaspoons salt
• 1 ½ cups buttermilk
• 1 ½ teaspoons cider vinegar
  
• 1 ½ teaspoons baking soda

Steps:

• In a bowl, sift the flour and set aside (a)
• Cream the butter and sugar with an electric mixture (medium speed), for around 5 minutes, until it’s light and creamy. Add the eggs one at a time (b)
• In a separate bowl, whisk together the red food coloring, cocoa, and vanilla, add to (b)
• In a cup, stir the salt into the buttermilk. If you have difficulties in finding buttermilk (like me), you can replace it with 1 ½ of milk + 1 ½ tablespoons of vinegar (cider vinegar) and wait for 5 minutes before using it. Add this and the flour (a) to the batter (b). Beat until the ingredients are mixed well
• In a small bowl, stir the cider vinegar and baking soda, then add to the batter (b)
• Bake the batter in the oven, 180^oC,  for around 20 minutes
• Let it cool

Vanilla frosting recipe:

• 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
• 6 to 8 cups confectioners’ sugar
• 1/2 cup milk
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Steps:

• Beat the butter (medium speed mixer) until it’s creamy and smooth, around 3 minutes
• Add the vanilla extract and the milk
• Add the sugar gradually
• Refrigerate for around an hour before using

Well, you can decorate the cake as usual, meaning: cut the cake in half and spread the vanilla frosting on it. On the other hand, I love love love this cute birdie jar Nia gave me for my birthday, so I decided to store the cake in a jar.

I layered the bottom of the jar with vanilla frosting, then put some of the cake on top of it, and covered it with vanilla frosting, and then the cake, and the vanilla frosting, and the cake, and so on. Then I refrigerated my cake-in-a-jar and used the ice-cream scoop to serve the cake—thus, the Red Velvet Scoop-Cake, served cold! You can have around 30-35 scoops of red velvet with this recipe. Perfect for a lovely summer party! 🙂

Happy baking!

Independence means the liberty to be who we really are, to be what we love, to be where our heart is. After years of suspended animation, one artist sharpens his focus [June 09, 2012]. Independence means having the freedom to believe or not to believe in something. Four injured as mob attacks Ahmadiyah community in Bogor [July 13, 2012]. Independence means the warm feeling of knowing that we will be accepted and welcomed, even if we are (or choose to be) different. Indonesia’s transgender community facing test of faith [May 28, 2011].

Independence means the courage to dream big—because we know that each one of us stands the chance; because the future will be brighter. Dropout rate linked to higher tuition fees [July 07, 2012]. Independence means the freedom from fear, the assurance that justice will prevail and human rights are protected. GKI Yasmin church can reopen if a mosque is built next door [May 02, 2012]. Independence means knowing that you will be treated fairly. Resource rich West Papua: who benefits? [May 14, 2010].

Independence means the freedom to choose between being a part of the problem, or a part of the solution. To know that you can make a difference. Akademi Berbagi: a virtually inspiring idea [July 17, 2011]. To believe that everything is possible. Indonesia Berkebun: Urban farming greening Jakarta [May 15, 2012]. To understand that less is more. Give your coins a chance to do good [May 24, 2009]. That limitation is not an excuse to give up. Gardens of learning: One woman is making a difference by bringing books to remote communities in Eastern Indonesia [April 26, 2012].

We have loads of home works to do. So let’s act now! Merdeka di hati, pikiran, dan perbuatan. Happy Independence Day, Indonesia!

Each of us changes when placed next to each other.
We place ourselves, or are placed or paired creating stories,
a new idea, sometimes love.
—Every Atom, a poem in Full Blood by John Siddique

Maybe we were actually dancing back then; but we just didn’t realize it. We were too immersed in our silent conversation as we looked up to the sky, admiring the moonlight, discussing about time: how it flows, stops, jumps, elongates, stretches, switches… and how it flutters. Just like the words we uttered that day, the alphabets we managed to decipher (they shone above our heads like a thousand of fireflies), the meanings behind each gesture we struggled to understand. Nonetheless, we hovered around each other like a-pair-of-lovers-wannabe, dancing under the moonlight.

Your words led my steps; my words followed your lead. Your incomplete sentences spun me around, we moved in circles, our hands were tangled together as I felt myself being swept off my feet. For a moment, there was a distance between us, but then you drew me closer and took me in your arms again as we continued to talk; without a pause; until the break of dawn. You talked about the universe that envelope us, I talked about poetry that set us free. You talked about the future, I talked about the past. But here we were, two souls, fluttering in the present: one, two, three, step, one, two, three, step.

I want my moonlight dance.

I got mail from Hertfordshire today! ^^

Astrid is a design student, a designer, and a talented artist. Today, I found out that she is also a talented writer.

We first crossed path via Twitter, when I featured one of her drawings, and then we connected via Facebook, started to read each others’ blog, and left messages via the comments section. I think we connected in so many ways, especially because we’re one of those old souls—who appreciate “old things” like a piece of hand-written letter, a typewriter, or an old book. Astrid’s wonderful drawings, paintings and illustrations have also drawn me to her, especially because I had just started drawing again a few weeks before we bumped into each other on the Net. So, to me, she is something like… a sign, or a tutor, probably (and of course, a very dear friend).

I sent her a small card last month, and this morning I found her mail on my working desk. Inside the summer-looking envelope, there were a bookmark with my name on it, a drawing of owls, and 3 pages of illustrated hand-written letters. I was the happiest girl on earth!

This is my favourite paragraph from her letter. So beautiful, I got teary eyes while reading it! :’)

____

RAIN

Today I’m sitting in a garden on campus, and enjoying some lovely British sunshine. There are bees buzzing around me as I sit under a cherry blossom tree in full flower, just as spring ordered. I love they way of the weather here, I all too often hear people complaining about the rain, I wish they could look past it wetting their shoes as they scurry about with their umbrellas. There are so many things worse to worry or be concerned about in life. For I love the way rain falls for days, blessing the earth as intended, and then a day like today appears and it makes all the rain worthwhile. I love to sit here and share that—I have no doubt you will agree, we are emotional beings. With rain we have our tears, with sunshine comes a silver lining. We need both.

Astrid

___

Happy Friday, lovelies, and have a wonderful weekend!

I miss us. And all the things we’ve accidentaly missed | I Miss You. Much,, 2005

Why do people understand this world merely in black and white—
while other colors are there to beautify life itself?
| Question Everything, 2006

As I started to think that I should have just ended it all, I realized that it was impossible:
because nothing has ever begun after all.
| Scrapblog, Scattered, Broken, 2006

Deep down inside my heart, there’s this feeling…
a kind of lonely feeling that comforts me instead of making me feel low.
A silent place where I could find myself who’s loving you. Just us, as I always love it.
| Gone, 2006

Your chaotic life is like a stain over my spotless canvas | Cinta (1996-2007), 2007

Nietzsche: “Anything that doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger…”
Dan perempuan itu menyahut: “Stronger, but not happier…”
| Pulang, 2007

Bukankah kita semua membutuhkan jarak? | Enam Dua Puluh, 2008

Untuk lelaki itu, diam adalah depresi. Tetapi untuk kamu, diam adalah afeksi | Bandara, 2008

Wow, you are meant to be here.
And I want to spend the rest of my life to know how to love you more.
| What the Hell Is She Doing Here, 2008

“What are you doing the rest of your life?”
“Loving you.”
| What Are You Doing the Rest of Your Life, 2008

Kehilangan telah mengajarinya bahwa tak ada sesuatu pun di dunia ini yang sungguh-sungguh ia miliki
| Melepaskan Cinta, 2008

Perempuan-perempuan dalam hidupmu itu akan menjagamu dan memastikan bahwa kamu takkan terluka.
[Tapi ternyata mereka melukaimu juga]
| If I Were There, 2008

Tetapi siapakah yang berhak mengajariku tentang mencintai kecuali hatiku sendiri?
| Back to Where I Belong, 2009

An all-access ticket to do whatever I want with you (and your heart). I couldn’t ask for more.
| Coffee-flavored Kisses, 2009

That particular kiss—the kind where the fireworks show is happening here;
right here: sparkling, it fills the tiniest gap between our flaming lips
| Fireworks, 2009

Pujangga hanya memantulkan keindahan yang ada di hadapannya lewat kata-kata.
Jadi, aku cuma bisa ada kalau kamu ada.
| The Departure of a Loved One, 2009

Karena yang aku cari bukan bahagia, tapi kenangan buat disimpan | The Departure of a Loved One, 2009

Life is about chances you’ll never get back (Dawson’s Creek) | The Ferris Wheel, 2009

Mengetahui akhir ceritanya sejak mula ternyata tak bisa menjadi pengurang rasa sakit
ketika kamu sampai pada halaman terakhir.
| Tears are Words the Heart Can’t Say, 2010

I’ll close my eyes, I’ll find you by following my heartbeat… | The Pavement of Our Lives, 2010

The best gift someone could ever gave me is the clear view of the night sky.
| Hadiahi Aku Langit Malam, 2010

Sometimes I wonder, whether lovers are made for a lifetime or (only) for a lovetime.
And memories, are those actually traces of our long-gone past, or silent prayers for the wishful future?
| Oh, Hi, 2011

Ada saatnya kita tak tahu kapan harus memagari hati atau menitipkannya pada orang lain | Jarak, 2011

Tapi jarak adalah teman yang baik. Pelan-pelan, jarak mengajari kita bahwa sesuatu yang indah akan tetap indah,
baik ketika dilihat dari jauh maupun ketika dilihat dari dekat.
| Jarak, 2011

Mungkin kita memang masih berjalan beriringan,
tetapi tanganmu sudah terlanjur lepas dari genggaman.
| Sebuah Jalan, 2011

The more you let things flow, the more you ‘surrender’ yourself to Life and accept things as they are,
the easier life would feel and would be to you.
| Flow, 2012

You can’t come closer. Because you’re afraid that reality might turn ugly on you.
Because you’ve learned that some things are more beautiful to be seen from a distance.
Or maybe you’re just afraid of getting hurt, again.
| Bokeh, 2012

I write because I know no other way to show my love for you | I Write Because, 2012

I write because you can keep these words even long after I’m gone.
I write because one day—whether things will work out between us or not, I’ll put these words underneath your door.
I write because when that day comes, I want to show you how much you are loved.
| I Write Because, 2012

Namamu berjatuhan di atas kepalaku. Ribuan keheningan.
Seperti doa-doa yang sampai ke tujuan.
| Liturgi, 2012

Kamu bilang kamu ingin bersama seseorang yang impiannya menyentuh bintang-bintang,
namun kakinya tetap menjejak tanah.
| The Place I Like Best in This World is Beside You, 2012

Kau sudah sering terluka. Kau sedang tak ingin terikat pada apapun, pada siapapun.
Dia bisa tetap tinggal jika dia ingin, tetapi kau tidak akan menjanjikan apa-apa.
Dia bisa pergi jika dia ragu, dan kau tak akan kehilangan apa-apa.
| The Art of Looking Sideways, 2012

A dancer knows that life is the magical tunes he had been carrying in his heart since the day he was born,
and as always, he will only need to follow the tempo, surrender to the sensation and dance it away.
| The Gift, 2012

A lover loves and nothing else matters | The Gift, 2012

A sky-gazer knows that looking at the future is like gazing at the night sky.
Deep down inside, we’re actually looking back in time to who we were and who we used to be.
A sky-gazer receives this knowledge like something that has been written in his DNA:
that life always flows to the future carrying everything from the past along, and nothing is left behind.
| The Gift, 2012

Mungkin selama ini, Tuhan hanya menunggu waktu yang tepat. Waktu ketika saya sudah benar-benar siap.
Tidak ada yang terlambat. Doa-doa saya dikabulkan tepat ketika saya sudah belajar melepaskan.
| Circles, 2012

Aku menemukanmu. Kamu sedang berdoa.
Sesungguhnya, kamu sedang memanggilku.
| Nada, 2012

The gravitational pull of your thoughts draws me in.
It envelopes me in such a dreamlike mood: the world seen from a lover’s eyes.
| I am Lost in You, 2012

Unsent letters are sad. Depressive. Melancholic. But these letters are hopelessly romantic as well. I have a stack of unsent letters in my drawer. Sometimes, though I have expressed my feelings to a particular person, the unsent letters I wrote for that person remain unsent. Maybe I’ll send it one day. Or maybe not 😀

The ocean breeze feels so cool on my skin. That very ocean is soon to be my grave. They told me I will die a hero. That the safety and honor of my country will be the reward for my sacrifice. I pray that they are right. My only regret in life is never telling you how I feel. I wish I were back home. I wish I were holding your hand. I wish I were telling you that I have loved you. And only you since I was a boy.

But I am not.

I see now that death is easy. It is love that is hard. As my plane dives, I will not see the face of my enemies. I would instead will see your eyes. Like Blackrock frozing in the water. They tell us that we must scream ‘Banzai!’ as we plunge into our target. I will instead, whisper your name.

And in death, as in life, I will remain forever yours.

——————-

*) by Hiroshi Takahashi—a Kamikaze pilot. This unsent letter dies with him.
[From Gus van Sant’s movie, RESTLESS, 2011]

**) the picture is an edited snapshot from the brochure of my Lomo Super Sampler.