When someone asks me what I usually do when I am sad or angry, I would say: “Cleaning the bathroom while crying my eyes out!”
It was a joke. Well, actually, half a joke.
I do find comfort in cleaning, decluttering, or tidying up anything I could think of (not only the bathroom!), especially when I am sad or angry.
I have no idea why I am actually drawn to these activities when I am feeling down. Maybe because the act of cleaning and decluttering provides me a false sense of control (I got this!). Or because it gives me the opportunity to still be sad (or angry) in a (more) positive way.
Or maybe, the act of throwing broken (or forgotten) things out–reminds me of how I can actually let go of things that no longer serve me and my growth in life. Maybe, the vigorous regimen of brushing, scrubbing, and wiping dusty surfaces that follow makes me feel as if I were cleansing myself, emotionally (tears–my organic & natural cleansing agent). Maybe, the painstaking effort in organizing my stuff and tidying up my space is supposed to tell me that it can be done. That now, I can also reorganize my priorities and tidy-up my life (or, more frequently, heart).
I guess, cleaning, decluttering, and tidying up has been my go-to ritual to deal with my (hurt) feelings and my (chaotic) state of being.
***
At a conference I participated in a few years ago, I heard this idea about how we can change our internal state by changing our external environment.
The underlying premise is simple: it’s easier to change things externally than internally; however, when you change your external environment–this change can also affect your internal state.
OK, let’s take an example. Imagine yourself, going about your daily lives. One day, you’re going around in your most comfortable outfit (for me this means sleeveless blouse/shirt, jeans, and sneakers), and on another day, you’re going around doing more or less the same stuff–in a really neat or delicate outfit (maybe an evening gown, or a formal suit). Can you get a sense of how you might act, think, or feel differently–just because you’re wearing a different outfit?
Or imagine yourself working from a plain white cubicle, then working at a cafe with lovely jazz music in the background, and then working from a noisy pub. Do you think there’s a shift in your mental/emotional state as you’re changing your workstation from one place to the next?
That is more or less the premise behind the ‘outside-in’ idea. When we have no idea how to change our internal state of being, change our external environment to get closer to the feeling we’d like to feel.
If we want to feel happy, or healthy (or wealthy, creative, confident, anything, really) but we don’t know how to get there ‘internally’, change our external environment. Change the way we dress, the way we speak, the way we spend our time, our morning routine, our social circle, our daily habits, to feel that way. What kind of outfit change could make us feel a bit more creative? What kind of morning routine could make us feel a bit healthier? What kind of people we could surround ourselves with that could make us feel a bit happier?
In this case, cleaning, decluttering, and tidying-up has become my ‘outside-in’ way of changing my internal state by mirroring it through my external environment. When I am sad or angry or feeling down in general, I can’t think of ways to clean, declutter, or tidy up my mental/emotional state. And so, I clean, declutter, and tidy up the bathroom, the bedroom, my drawers… until I feel something shifting inside of me.
***
The absence of broken things and piles of rubbish makes me feel like a big burden has just been lifted out of my shoulders. Empty spaces, racks, or drawers, makes me feel like I can breathe deeply and effortlessly. Gleaming surfaces makes me feel light and in control.
As everything is being placed neatly, right where they are supposed to be placed, I feel as if I am also experiencing that. Everything eventually falls into place, and I am back to where I am supposed to be.
PS: In my next post, I will write about organizing my simple wedding in Amsterdam, and why I choose Paperless Post for my wedding invitation.
NOTE: From time to time, I turn to you (yes, all of you) when I have no idea about what to write on this blog. Feel free to drop an email or DM me on Instagram if you have any ideas/questions for the blog!
Q: How to leave a toxic relationship?
Disclaimer: I am only sharing my personal take/experience related to this issue. I am not an expert, so please do not consider this post as your final answer. Take it with a grain of salt, do your own research, and reach out to an expert/authority figure if you need professional help to get out of a toxic relationship.
A: I guess I would answer this question with another question: “What makes you stay in that toxic relationship?”
I believe that to know how to leave a toxic relationship, we need to know why we’re staying there in the first place.
Dr. Lillian Glass, a California-based communication and psychology expert, says that a toxic relationship is consistently unpleasant and draining for the people in it, to the point that negative moments outweigh and outnumber the positive ones.
Dr. Kristen Fuller, a California-based family medicine physician who specializes in mental health, adds that toxic relationships are mentally, emotionally and possibly even physically damaging to one or both participants. And these relationships don’t have to be romantic: Glass says friendly, familial and professional relationships can all be toxic as well.
With that being said, logically, we know that we need to get out of a toxic relationship. That’s crystal clear. The problem is, we don’t always feel like we’re capable of getting ourselves out of that relationship, for many different reasons (one can be more complicated than another).
However, most of the time, it’s fear. We are afraid to leave.
What do you get out of that relationship?
We’re afraid of leaving that relationship because we believe that despite being toxic, we get something out of that relationship. Maybe we get the feeling of being loved, assurance, friendship, comfort, a sense of familiarity, security, or financial support. The fear is about missing these things in our lives if we decided to leave the toxic relationship.
Now, the question is, how can you get those things you (think) you need outside of this relationship? How can you give yourself those things? Are there other people that can provide you with those things and who are they? How can you get them to help you?
Make plans on how you can get those things that you need (or want) outside of your toxic relationship. Get it from other people, or get it from yourself. Once you know that you can have the things you need outside of your toxic relationship, you’ll gain the confidence you need to leave. You won’t be afraid to leave anymore because you know that what you need (or want) can still be obtained outside of that toxic relationship.
This is what I did to leave a toxic relationship I was once in.
Do you think this toxic relationship poses a serious threat to your life, either physically, emotionally, or mentally?
If yes, immediately reach out to a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a social worker/activist, or an authority figure you respect. If that sounds like too much of a stretch, reach out to a friend or family member you trust. Yes, it can be hard, but do it. Save yourself. Your life matters. Love and respect yourself by seeking help to get out of the relationship as soon as possible.
Cutting ties.
While you’re in the process of getting out of a toxic relationship, when possible, I find it best to totally cut ties with the other person. Do not stay with them, be with them, talk to them, or meet them. For me, this is important to prevent me from swaying or changing my minds (oh, maybe s/he’ll change. oh, this time s/he promised. oh, s/he said sorry).
It will be more difficult and more challenging to get out of the toxic relationship if we are frequently in touch with the other person. Their pull can still be so strong, and we’re risking ourselves to get sucked back into that relationship again.
However, if it’s impossible to totally cut ties with the other person at the moment, try reducing your time/interaction with him/her. Surround yourself with people that make you feel good. Sign yourself up to join various activities that you love. In the meantime, reach out to the people you trust and make plans about how you can distance yourself from this person.
But, I love him/her. I want to help him/her.
I know that this, sometimes, becomes our excuse to go back into a toxic relationship (I was guilty of this!). However, we need to know that we can’t love them if we can’t love ourselves. And we can’t help them when we have terribly wounded ourselves. The best thing to do is to love ourselves first by healing our wounds and nursing ourselves back to health. Once we’re completely healed and strong, once we’ve gained our confidence that we can be completely OK outside of that toxic relationship, then we can decide if we want to ‘help’ the other person, or if we want to get connected/interact with them again.
NOTE: From time to time, I turn to you (yes, all of you) when I have no idea about what to write on this blog. Feel free to drop an email or DM me on Instagram if you have any ideas/questions for the blog! This post is to answer a question from @gendutsantiago
Q: How to be consistent with journaling?
A: I think the first step would be to answer these 2 questions:
Why do you think you need to journal?
Why do you think you need to be consistent with it?
I actually keep several ‘journals’ and I journal in them for different reasons.
MY JOURNALS & WHAT I USE THEM FOR
I have a private journal that serves as a diary, to write down my deepest thoughts and feelings whenever I feel the need to unload those things from my chest (or my brain).
I also have a decorated journal which I adorned with stickers, stamps, and collages–the one I shared online via my Instagram or YouTube channel. I work on this journal whenever I feel the need to wind down by doing something creative with my hands.
I have my messy ‘work journal‘ that mimics the functionality of a bullet journal, and I have it next to me whenever I am working. It’s my go-to journal to track the progress, to-dos, payments, and other stuff related to the clients I’m working with or the personal projects I’m working on. It also serves as a medium for me to think ‘on-paper’ about other work-related stuff, like generating ideas for communications training, drawing an outline of a proposal (or a new book), recording meeting results, or planning my moves for the next 3 months.
A journal I updated on a daily basis is my daily highlight journal.
It simply records what I do on a particular day: waking up (at what time), how do I feel upon waking up, where do I go, what am I working on, who do I meet, what do I buy (if any), what do I have for lunch and dinner, what book I am reading, what time I go to sleep. Just mundane things that I summarize in 1-2 word(s)/line(s): Wake up late. Coffee. Silent time. Re-read The Four Agreements. Shower. Editing works. Reorganize my drawer.
Sure, sometimes there are big things: like being proposed, signing a new project, or traveling to someplace nice; but on most days, just simple things.
I have been writing in this journal since the middle of last year, and I am enjoying it so much! As I am working on this journal, I can review how my day goes (do I like it? do I need to do something else tomorrow?) and as I am flipping back through my previous days, I can see how each day is actually unique.
I guess we tend to compress our weeks, months, or years into a few ‘big’ moments, life-changing experiences, or amazing encounters. But recording my days on a daily basis helps me to cherish and remember each day as its own. The practice also allows me to be mindful of how my day unfolds.
MY THOUGHTS ON ‘BEING CONSISTENT’
I think if we understand why we do certain things and can see the value they bring into our lives, we’ll find more reasons (and motivations) to be consistent.
Sure, we can force ourselves to be consistent and be disciplined about keeping up with our practice (like journaling, for instance), but what’s the point of doing so if we don’t gain any benefit from that practice? However, if we can feel the benefit of any practice, we have all the reasons to be consistent with it, because we can feel its positive impact on our lives.
With that being said, I also need to let you know that I think, ‘being consistent’ is not equal to ‘doing things on a daily basis’.
Sometimes I missed updating my daily highlight journal when I’m traveling or on a road trip, but I immediately record those 2 or 3 days I have skipped when I have the time. Thus I can always catch up. I work on my other journals only when I feel the need or the urge to do so. Sometimes I fill them up every day for a month, and some other times I do not touch them for a week, a month, 2 months.
But it doesn’t matter, because I know I’ll come back to them when I need them.
THE PRACTICE OF JOURNALING FEEDS MY SOUL
It helps me to let things go (and let some things in), to detach myself from my noisy and chaotic monkey mind, to reflect on my life, to remember the things I thought I have forgotten, to discover something new about myself, to record my fleeting thoughts and feelings (and mood swings), to spark my creativity, to have fun.
Thus, I am still coming back to my journaling practice whenever I feel the calling to do it.
NOTE: From time to time, I turn to you (yes, all of you) when I have no idea about what to write on this blog. Feel free to drop an email or DM me on Instagram if you have any ideas/questions for the blog! This post is to answer a question from @_ryuniarti.
lonely |ˈləʊnli| adjective (lonelier, loneliest) 1 sad because one has no friends or company: lonely old people whose families do not care for them. • without companions; solitary: passing long lonely hours looking on to the street. 2 (of a place) unfrequented and remote: a lonely country lane.
Q: Have you ever felt lonely?
A: Yes, and actually, quite often.
What’s strange is that I rarely feel lonely when I am alone (which may sound like a contradiction). I feel lonely mostly in the presence of other people: like in a crowd or a big group; but sometimes also one-on-one.
Being an only child, I am used to being alone and I grow up enjoying the solitude it brings. I have the confidence of someone who can always entertain herself and get herself engaged either physically or mentally. It is being around people that make me feel out of place; especially when there’s a lack of meaningful interactions.
For these reasons, I feel lonely during such circumstances when people are compelled to make small talk or exchange pleasantries just for the sake of politeness. And feel the loneliest when I am talking to my closest ones—knowing that (for some reasons) we put our guards up and choose our words carefully instead of being real.
When I was young, I used to get ‘trapped’ in the prince-charming mindset: that there will come a man with all the qualities and criteria I have ever dreamed of to love me and to make me happy.
But here are the flaws in that:
We put the effort in ‘finding’ the ‘right’ man who meets our criteria.
The man who meets our criteria may or may not be interested in us.
The man who meets our criteria and ends up being in a relationship with us may not bring us the love and happiness we thought he would!
I think the biggest flaws is that the prince-charming mindset focuses on finding or searching for ‘the right man’, an external factor that is out of our control.
When I started to do more sessions in writing/journaling for self-discovery, I found a better way to approach this. I asked myself 2 things:
how would the ideal relationship I want to experience look/feel like? (detailing the qualities, feelings, and activities I’d like to experience in the relationship itself–NOT about the man)
how can I improve myself so I can offer that kind of relationship to the people I love/care about?
Doing this shifted my focus from ‘searching for the right man’ to ‘creating the feeling/qualities I’d like to experience in a relationship’. It made me feel more like an active participant rather than a passive one, and in a way, more empowered.
What about you? Have you ever experienced something similar? Have you ever met a man that seems to meet your ‘criteria’ but the relationship doesn’t flourish? Or what is your take about the issue?
I have spent the last few weeks in 2018 to rest, relax, and reflect. Mostly, I choose to stay at home or catch up with my closest friends, read some books, or plan the upcoming year, clean my space ,and sip loads of nutmeg and turmeric latte.
I have also gone a bit absent from social media, especially Twitter and Facebook (have deleted these 2 applications from my phone), and for the past week, I haven’t published anything on Instagram (but still checking some new updates from friends on my feed for 10-15 minutes every day).
I would like to simply enjoy the feeling of being me, of being alone, of reconnecting with myself, of doing things for the sake of doing it–not for social media.
This New Year’s Eve, I am at home, reflecting on 2018 and setting my intention for 2019. I always prefer a quiet New Year’s Eve, because I love the feeling of ‘closing the year’ with solitude and serenity–writing how I feel, what I think, and how I’d like the upcoming year to be.
I once wrote about creating a feeling-based New Year’s Resolution, and today I want to write about this topic again–since I have extended my previous approach; making it more effective and efficient for me. It all begins with this question:
WHY MOST OF OUR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS FAIL?
There are 3 reasons I can think of, based on my experience:
They are too big/overwhelming. Most of the time, we tend to set up huge goals for the upcoming year and overestimate our capabilities to achieve those goals. On another note, this could also be our way of self-sabotaging ourselves: by setting a goal that is too big, we would feel less guilty if we fail to achieve it–precisely because we can tell ourselves that the goal is just too big/overwhelming.
They are insignificant. If we set a certain goal/resolution, but our lives will still be relatively okay even if we don’t achieve that goal/resolution, we won’t have enough drive to pursue this goal. Often times, we set goals that would be nice to achieve, but the goal is not that important/significant for our lives. (Think about the goal of ‘losing weight’ because we think it-will-make-us-look-better vs we-can-get-hospitalized-if-we-don’t-lose-weight; can you feel how different the level of motivation would be?)
They are never ours in the first place. Yes, sometimes our goals/resolutions are the things we thought we should want. Maybe these goals are something the society believes to be great or something our parents would be proud of. It could be something that our peers desire. We choose a particular goal, thinking that is what we want, but actually, it’s what other people want–we just feel as if we need to want that same goal to conform.
ONE MISTAKE I DID IN MY PREVIOUS YEAR’S RESOLUTION SETTING
In the previous year, I also did the mistake of not reflecting or evaluating on my life before making any resolutions for the upcoming year. I would hurriedly list down all my wishes and desires like an impatient child writing a letter to Santa Claus; without being clear about what I really need to focus on.
We need to know where we are to better navigate our way to where we want to be.
So, this year, I started out by evaluating and scoring 12 areas of my life:
Physical/health. Am I healthy? Do I exercise? Do I eat well? Do I sleep well?
Emotional/mental health. How do I manage my emotions? Do I have mood swings? Do I get stressed easily? Do I feel tension or anxiety?
Career. Do I enjoy what I do? Is this how I want to grow professionally? Do I get fair compensation for my work? Do I attract clients I like?
Financial/wealth. Do I have enough money to fulfill my responsibilities? Do I have enough savings for rainy days? Do I manage my money well? Do I spend my money wisely? Do I feel financially secure?
Family & friends. Do I spend enough quality time with them? How is my relationship with them? Do I feel comfortable to be around them? Do I like them? Are they supportive or toxic?
Love & relationships. Do I feel loved? Am I a loving person? Do I spend quality time with my partner? How do we connect with one another? Am I content in this relationship? Can I trust my partner?
Environment. Do I like the place where I stay/its surroundings? Do I enjoy spending my time here, in this venue/room/house/office? Can I feel content staying in this environment?
Intellectual/creativity. Do I grow intellectually/creatively? Do I learn new things or master new skills? Do I feel challenged intellectually/creatively?
Enjoyment/entertainment. Can I rest and relax? Do I have enough me-time? Do I have time for self-care? Am I happy about how I spend my holiday? Do I have a hobby that I enjoy? Do I feel like I have enough time, means, and opportunities to have fun, recharge, and refresh?
Spiritual. Do I feel connected with something else apart from the material world? How is my relationship with myself, with Source, with God? Do I feel faithful or doubtful? Do I have peace of mind?
Meaning/contribution. Do I inject meanings in the work that I do? Do I live a meaningful life? Do I have any contribution to anyone apart from myself? Do I make a difference?
Social/communal. Do I feel like I belong to something? Can I feel at-home and at-ease in my community? Do I enjoy being a part of a certain group/community? Do I share certain interests/concerns with other people/groups?
The next thing I do is scoring these 12 areas of my life.
Because when we need to score on a scale of 1 – 5 we don’t have the means to explain how 4 is different from 5, or how 1 is different than 3, I came up with these scoring explanations:
5 – Of course I want things to be better or to improve (who doesn’t?), but even if they stay the way they are for the upcoming year, I am still okay with that.
4 – It’s quite good, actually. But I know I haven’t given my best in this particular area.
3 – It’s okay. Not that bad, but I am not happy if things stay the way they are for the upcoming year.
2 – There are some problems here. I hope I can have a better experience or be more at ease in this area of my life.
1 – I don’t like this at all. I am can’t wait to see changes/improvements.
With this 1 – 5 scale as a guide, I start scoring the 12 areas of my life.
When I finish, I choose 3 areas with the lowest score that I’d like to work on in the upcoming year. If there are more than 3 areas with a similar lowest score, I will have to choose 3 things I’d like to prioritize and focus on.
THE FRAMEWORK OF WISH/DESIRE – BE/FEEL – DO/EXPERIENCE
Once I have decided on the 3 areas of life I’m not happy about–the ones I want to change/improve in the upcoming year, I transfer that particular area into this 3-column framework:
In the 1st column, I write down my wish/desire about that particular area. How is the ideal situation would look like? What kind of improvement do I want when it comes to this area of life? I just write the ideal vision I have related to this area of my life.
In the 2nd column, I write down how I would be or how I would feel if I have achieved my wishes/desires in column 1. Am I going to be a different person? How? Am I going to feel differently? How? How am I going to change from the inside if I have achieved my desired reality? How am I going to think about myself if my desires have manifested?
In the 3rd column, I write down what would I do or experience on a daily basis if I have achieved my wishes/desires in column 1, and have become the person in column 2. How would I act in different situations (at work, at home, among friends, etc.)? What are the things I could do or experience? How does it change my day-to-day habit/interaction? What can I contribute to others?
>> If until this point you haven’t done the exercise above, I would strongly recommend you to do so! Grab a pen and paper, then do the exercise before continuing reading this post! <<
CONCENTRATING NOT ON THE WISHES/DESIRES, BUT ON THE FEELINGS & EXPERIENCES
Next, I look at my answers in column 2 and 3, and for my resolutions setting in 2019, I ask myself:
What is the one thing I can do in a year, in a month, in a week, in a day, in 2 hours, to get me closer to the things I wrote in column 2 or 3?
To my surprise, a lot of the things in column 2 and 3 can be injected into my life through many different ways or means–without having to rely on the achievement of that particular wish/desire! And look at your column 3, specifically–are there things you can already do right now?
Most of the time, we are blinded by our overwhelming wishes and desires, having no clarity in why we want the things we want. Column 3 is the simple things we want in our daily lives, something that we can do or experience if we choose to do so. It’s the window to have a peek into why we want the things we desire, and surprisingly, most of the time, we only want the simple things. The one little thing that can make our days more meaningful and enjoyable.
So, cheers to simple New Year’s resolutions, to tiny steps to get closer to the person we have always wanted to be, and to those little sparks of joy that we can bring into our lives at any moment now.
much love,
hanny
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Hi. I'm HANNY
I am an Indonesian writer/artist/illustrator and stationery web shop owner (Cafe Analog) based in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. I love facilitating writing/creative workshops and retreats, especially when they are tied to self-exploration and self-expression. In Indonesian, 'beradadisini' means being here. So, here I am, documenting life—one word at a time.
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