Here I am, behind my desk in the office, surrounded by those wall-sized window pane overlooking our little garden …

It’s raining lightly outside. I just can’t keep my sight away from the falling raindrops, the way it ripples the surface of our little fish pond, the way it gives the green leaves a sparkling kind of effect. The soft orange light from my desk-lamp, romantic songs from Mbak Sri’s computer, a little teddy bear given by an ex boyfriend …

Wow. It feels like home! It feels like holiday! It feels like … us.

I miss you. Much.

I woke up this morning and felt a bit empty. The feeling of missing someone so bad, and yet I was left with the redemption of not knowing for sure about who that someone is. My head feels heavy since then. I guess I’m getting sick (again?!!). My heart feels heavy, as well. (Could it be some kind of guilty feeling?) And still, my thought goes to you …

I miss you. Much.

I use to pray for us (and our dreams) before I go to bed at night. I have my dream, and you have yours. Different world, different path, different future, different way, but we do understand each other well enough to go through it together. To keep conflicts away. To support our pursuit, though I don’t live your dream and you don’t live mine.

I miss you. Much.

You have delivered such a magical moment into my life, and I know I have delivered one for you as well. We’re not in love with each other (yet?) — because there’s a saying “never say never” …

Probably love is not the reason why we stick together up to now. It’s not because of love that we drop some messages on the net after stopped talking for a month. It’s not because of love that we keep on longing for each other’s presence during our toughest times. It’s not because of love that we share our dreams and promise to pursue it together. It’s not because of love that we’re trying to make each other a part of our own reality. It’s not because of love that we resist ourselves from getting involved with somebody new.

I miss you. Much.

It’s curiosity that keeps us together this far. We drop messages to find out whether each one of us have come to realize the dreams. It’s desperation that brought us back to each other during our saddest moments. It’s envy that caused us to share our dreams and pursue it together. I just want to know how far you’ve come, and so do you. It’s loneliness that caused us trying hard to brought each other into our own reality. It’s jealousy that keeps us reluctant to meet somebody new.

I miss you. Much.

Probably curiosity, desperation, envy, loneliness, and jealousy are simply love which is less expressed …

But, anyway, I’m still missing you. I miss us. And all the things we’ve accidentaly missed.

hanny

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If you made it this, far, please say 'hi'. It really means a lot to me! :)

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Screenshot 2022-12-08 at 12.43.17
This year, I learned to accept the days when I don't feel motivated, tired, or a bit grumpy. I learned to allow myself to sit with this feeling instead of feeling guilty about it and forcing myself to be productive, socialize, or just get things done.
Photo by Georgia de Lotz on Unsplash
In the end, self-care is not always about doing the things that make us feel good or give us instant gratification. It's also about doing the RIGHT thing: something that is good for us in the long run—even if it may feel hard at times.
Hanny illustrator
Hi. I'm HANNY
I am an Indonesian writer and an artist/illustrator based in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. I love facilitating writing/creative workshops and retreats, especially when they are tied to self-exploration and self-expression. In Indonesian, 'beradadisini' means being here. So, here I am, documenting life—one word at a time.

hanny

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