Here I am, behind my desk in the office, surrounded by those wall-sized window pane overlooking our little garden …

It’s raining lightly outside. I just can’t keep my sight away from the falling raindrops, the way it ripples the surface of our little fish pond, the way it gives the green leaves a sparkling kind of effect. The soft orange light from my desk-lamp, romantic songs from Mbak Sri’s computer, a little teddy bear given by an ex boyfriend …

Wow. It feels like home! It feels like holiday! It feels like … us.

I miss you. Much.

I woke up this morning and felt a bit empty. The feeling of missing someone so bad, and yet I was left with the redemption of not knowing for sure about who that someone is. My head feels heavy since then. I guess I’m getting sick (again?!!). My heart feels heavy, as well. (Could it be some kind of guilty feeling?) And still, my thought goes to you …

I miss you. Much.

I use to pray for us (and our dreams) before I go to bed at night. I have my dream, and you have yours. Different world, different path, different future, different way, but we do understand each other well enough to go through it together. To keep conflicts away. To support our pursuit, though I don’t live your dream and you don’t live mine.

I miss you. Much.

You have delivered such a magical moment into my life, and I know I have delivered one for you as well. We’re not in love with each other (yet?) — because there’s a saying “never say never” …

Probably love is not the reason why we stick together up to now. It’s not because of love that we drop some messages on the net after stopped talking for a month. It’s not because of love that we keep on longing for each other’s presence during our toughest times. It’s not because of love that we share our dreams and promise to pursue it together. It’s not because of love that we’re trying to make each other a part of our own reality. It’s not because of love that we resist ourselves from getting involved with somebody new.

I miss you. Much.

It’s curiosity that keeps us together this far. We drop messages to find out whether each one of us have come to realize the dreams. It’s desperation that brought us back to each other during our saddest moments. It’s envy that caused us to share our dreams and pursue it together. I just want to know how far you’ve come, and so do you. It’s loneliness that caused us trying hard to brought each other into our own reality. It’s jealousy that keeps us reluctant to meet somebody new.

I miss you. Much.

Probably curiosity, desperation, envy, loneliness, and jealousy are simply love which is less expressed …

But, anyway, I’m still missing you. I miss us. And all the things we’ve accidentaly missed.

hanny

One Response

If you made it this, far, please say 'hi'. It really means a lot to me! :)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

WANT TO SHARE WITH SOMEONE WHO NEED THIS?

READ MORE:

Beradadisini Love Letter to Self
I took up a personal journaling project this week: writing a love letter to myself before bed. I work on a thin A6-size handmade paper journal I got from a paper artist, Els. The journal is thin and small enough, so it doesn't overwhelm me. It feels like I am only going to work on a small project.
annie-spratt-YF8NTmQyhdg-unsplash
Standing up for yourself does not have to look aggressive. It does not have to feel like a fight. It's not always about convincing others or explaining yourself and your decisions with the hope that everyone else understands or accepts your choice.
Hanny illustrator
Hi. I'm HANNY
I am an Indonesian writer/artist/illustrator and stationery web shop owner (Cafe Analog) based in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. I love facilitating writing/creative workshops and retreats, especially when they are tied to self-exploration and self-expression. In Indonesian, 'beradadisini' means being here. So, here I am, documenting life—one word at a time.

hanny

TAKE WHAT YOU NEED
VISIT THE STUDIO