I have not lived long in this world,
Yet I have learned to take account
Of what I got from life—not much,
But none the less, a fair amount.

It taught me to perceive the good,
Gave me a glimpse of learning’s wealth,
Put love for justice in my soul,
Gave me two Eands to work and health.
It gave me friendship, mutual love,
Although not always strong and deep.
It said: “Go sow thy seed, although
Thy hand may not the harvest reap.”
It also gave me enemies
Who cursed and persecuted me;
It gave me friends who yet were prone
First their own interests to see.
Yet over all I value most
The cup of unjust suffering
Life gave to me, that truth and light
I might perhaps to others bring.

~ What Life Gave, by Ivan Franko ~

Models: Katya, Inna Buryakovska, Julia and her friend, Francois Bellemare, Fransisco Garcia, Kyryl Kurinniy, Ieugenia Petrikina. The people I stumbled upon in Kyiv, Ukraine.

Tentu saja, ada hal-hal yang tidak kukatakan padamu pagi itu, karena. Rasanya terlalu lekas. Sementara aku sedang tidak ingin bergegas-gegas. Ada sesuatu yang lucu dan menggemaskan (juga mencemaskan) dalam menunggu. Tetapi aku suka; menikmati kamu sedikit demi sedikit supaya rasa ini bertahan jauh lebih lama. Aku tahu aku banyak tertawa dan bilang ‘hanya bercanda‘, tetapi. Sebenarnya tidak juga. Tidak sepenuhnya. Katakanlah lima puluh lima puluh. Mungkin saat ini aku mulai bersungguh-sungguh (dan sebenarnya tidak ada tanda titik koma dan kurung tutup atau titik dua dan huruf P di belakang semua perkataanku).

Jadi. Sulit melepasmu (atau kau melepasku, atau sesungguhnya kita saling melepaskan) pagi itu. Sesungguhnya aku sedikit sedih. Dan sedikit kehilangan. Dan sedikit terkejut karena bisa merasakan semua itu. Dan kita berkali-kali mengucapkan ‘selamat tinggal’ tetapi tidak ada di antara kita yang beranjak pergi dan aku menemukan diriku di sisimu lagi, dan kamu di sisiku lagi, dan kita menendang-nendang kaki satu sama lain di bawah meja secara sembunyi-sembunyi, lalu menyelinap ke taman untuk mengucapkan ‘selamat tinggal’, lagi, tetapi. Kita bahkan masih tidak ingin berjarak meski hanya satu senti.

Lalu aku pergi. Kamu pergi. Aku pikir aku akan kehilangan kamu selamanya pagi itu. Aku sudah terbiasa melihat punggung-punggung yang menjauh, tetapi sesering apapun tetap saja masih terasa sedih. Jadi aku tidur saja seharian itu. Karena aku tidak ingin menangis. Rasanya terlalu dramatis. It’s not me. Maka, keesokan harinya, aku sudah siap mengucapkan selamat tinggal (betapa aku benci perpisahan yang dilakukan seorang diri), tetapi.

Kamu kembali.

I was on the road for a month, came home for a while to unpack and wash some dirty clothes, then headed out again with clean laundry in my bag. I was traveling alone, again. It began in Kyiv, Ukraine, to El Nido, in the Philippines, and ended up in Ubud, Bali on October 7. The journey had been amazing. It was both mind-blowing and heart-warming. I could not imagine how does it feel for those who had been on the road constantly for 8 months, a year, two years—and I met loads of them along the way.

When I started last September, I thought when I got home I would be busy writing as well as posting stories and pictures, because—why, of course there would be so many things to tell, and too many things to share!

But that was not the case.

The truth is, I still couldn’t get myself to write anything about the places I had visited, the people I had met, or the things that had happened to me—because I simply wasn’t ready.

There were days when I just left my camera in my hostel room; or days when I actually carried it in my bag; but didn’t even bother to capture anything—just because I wanted to be ‘here’ with the whole of my being. There were days when I left my guidebook on my bed and just strolled along the city I barely knew; tried to strike conversations in local language with random people I bumped into; welcomed some strangers’ invitations to hit the street and explore what each crossings had to offer…

The journey had been both liberating and overwhelming; in a sense that: well, I experienced much more first-times in one single month compared to what I had experienced in the last 5 years. That was surprising. Such an eye-opener. And it seemed like wherever I went, people kept sending me this message: “Enjoy the moment. Relax. Don’t rush.”

So, I did. And the result was just amazing, it hit me so hard I felt like I had become a new person. I had become more of myself.

Maybe this is a thank-you note, or maybe this is just a note, but the thing is (and you don’t know this) when I spotted you for the very first time, a poem from Silverstein came into mind, instantly, as if you were made out of these words:

There are no happy endings
Endings are the saddest part,
So just give me a happy middle
And a very happy start.

Oh, and when I said “I spotted you”, I wasn’t referring to the moment when I was seeing you for the very first time (well, didn’t I tell you once that looks can be deceiving?).

Rather, I was talking about the moment when I realized how comfortable it was when you were near.

***

You know how neat encounters with random people you’ve met along the way could change you somehow—giving you worthwhile life-lessons as they brushed upon the walls of your life. My encounter with you is one about being.

I know that life is what you make of it—and most of the time, it’s about shutting down your perturbing mind and letting your heart takes over. To do so, all these times, I thought it was more about having to be brave, courageous or adventurous (even reckless). But I was wrong. Turned out it was more about being comfortable—to feel content, certain, and light. You realized that your mind was still, and you didn’t hear contradicting voices, and your heart was calm and you felt peaceful, as if things were meant to happen and were meant to happen this way.

It feels as if a new chapter of my life is opening up right in front of me: the sun is bright, the path is clear, the breeze is cool, and the future seems enchanting. Of course, I was intrigued to question things, to indulge myself in the thoughts of us, to want more… but soon I felt guilty, as if I weren’t being thankful. Why want more if we have just enough? Because one day, when we meet again, I’ll whisper to your ear that I have no regrets, and you’ll understand.

***

Some people would ask me what the point of this note actually is, and what’s the closing would be.

But, really, do we need any?

A cup of espresso on such a serene afternoon. Embracing the silence by the window, staring into nothingness. The residue of the past turns into dust; and everything’s sparkling under the sun.

I’ll just say: thank you.

Apart from eating, writing, reading, and sleeping, I spent my Lebaran holiday trying out this Red Velvet recipe from Magnolia’s recipe book (a present for my 29th birthday from Ri). It was indeed quite complicated, so many ingredients, and took quite a lot of time to finish, but it turned out surprisingly well!

Red velvet cake recipe:

• 3 ⅓ cups flour (not self-rising) 
• ¾ cup (1 ½ sticks) unsalted butter, softened
• 2 ¼ cups sugar
  
• 3 large eggs, at room temperature 
• 6 tablespoons red food coloring
  
• 3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa
• 1 ½ teaspoons vanilla extract
  
• 1 ½ teaspoons salt
• 1 ½ cups buttermilk
• 1 ½ teaspoons cider vinegar
  
• 1 ½ teaspoons baking soda

Steps:

• In a bowl, sift the flour and set aside (a)
• Cream the butter and sugar with an electric mixture (medium speed), for around 5 minutes, until it’s light and creamy. Add the eggs one at a time (b)
• In a separate bowl, whisk together the red food coloring, cocoa, and vanilla, add to (b)
• In a cup, stir the salt into the buttermilk. If you have difficulties in finding buttermilk (like me), you can replace it with 1 ½ of milk + 1 ½ tablespoons of vinegar (cider vinegar) and wait for 5 minutes before using it. Add this and the flour (a) to the batter (b). Beat until the ingredients are mixed well
• In a small bowl, stir the cider vinegar and baking soda, then add to the batter (b)
• Bake the batter in the oven, 180^oC,  for around 20 minutes
• Let it cool

Vanilla frosting recipe:

• 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
• 6 to 8 cups confectioners’ sugar
• 1/2 cup milk
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Steps:

• Beat the butter (medium speed mixer) until it’s creamy and smooth, around 3 minutes
• Add the vanilla extract and the milk
• Add the sugar gradually
• Refrigerate for around an hour before using

Well, you can decorate the cake as usual, meaning: cut the cake in half and spread the vanilla frosting on it. On the other hand, I love love love this cute birdie jar Nia gave me for my birthday, so I decided to store the cake in a jar.

I layered the bottom of the jar with vanilla frosting, then put some of the cake on top of it, and covered it with vanilla frosting, and then the cake, and the vanilla frosting, and the cake, and so on. Then I refrigerated my cake-in-a-jar and used the ice-cream scoop to serve the cake—thus, the Red Velvet Scoop-Cake, served cold! You can have around 30-35 scoops of red velvet with this recipe. Perfect for a lovely summer party! 🙂

Happy baking!

Independence means the liberty to be who we really are, to be what we love, to be where our heart is. After years of suspended animation, one artist sharpens his focus [June 09, 2012]. Independence means having the freedom to believe or not to believe in something. Four injured as mob attacks Ahmadiyah community in Bogor [July 13, 2012]. Independence means the warm feeling of knowing that we will be accepted and welcomed, even if we are (or choose to be) different. Indonesia’s transgender community facing test of faith [May 28, 2011].

Independence means the courage to dream big—because we know that each one of us stands the chance; because the future will be brighter. Dropout rate linked to higher tuition fees [July 07, 2012]. Independence means the freedom from fear, the assurance that justice will prevail and human rights are protected. GKI Yasmin church can reopen if a mosque is built next door [May 02, 2012]. Independence means knowing that you will be treated fairly. Resource rich West Papua: who benefits? [May 14, 2010].

Independence means the freedom to choose between being a part of the problem, or a part of the solution. To know that you can make a difference. Akademi Berbagi: a virtually inspiring idea [July 17, 2011]. To believe that everything is possible. Indonesia Berkebun: Urban farming greening Jakarta [May 15, 2012]. To understand that less is more. Give your coins a chance to do good [May 24, 2009]. That limitation is not an excuse to give up. Gardens of learning: One woman is making a difference by bringing books to remote communities in Eastern Indonesia [April 26, 2012].

We have loads of home works to do. So let’s act now! Merdeka di hati, pikiran, dan perbuatan. Happy Independence Day, Indonesia!