An Afternoon Celebration

I dreamt about him (again) last night. As always, it wasn’t a nice dream after all.

In my dream, I was sleeping inside a friend’s car, and when I woke up, he was already sitting at the front seat. He didn’t drive, and there was no one else around, but the car was moving. We didn’t talk. Every once and a while, we looked at each other and smiled, then threw our glance to the window, as if the road out there was the greatest thing on earth to be seen.

I woke up to emptiness–and realized that my handphone alarm was beeping frantically.


The office was still empty when I arrived; a perfect chance for me to take a quick look on his friendster account. I moved the cursor below; and suddenly felt the urge to click the ‘delete’ option under my testimonial for him. It was irritating to see those words I used back then. I felt cheap, though he deserves those fancy words. However, deleting that testimonial will be way too obvious …

During lunch time, I found myself in Kinokuniya bookstore at Plaza Senayan. Being in a bookstore always makes me feel a bit better–especially when I came out with books I have craving for. Today, the dark blue plastic bag was filled with Vernon God Little by DBC Pierre and Haruki Murakami’s Birthday Stories.

I walked out from the bookstore with a huge smile; and a strange kind of warmth wrapped my heart–it was like you were cocooning under a comfortable quilt. I felt like celebrating …


Finally, I could feel some level of cheapness about my feelings over him! It’s not sadness. Not a sense of regret. Not anger. But cheapness! It’s just great! I think I have made some progress …
____________________________

IMG 1. http://www.citydisc.ch/pix/art/bookshop_2/CHSBZCOP/01/1872/CHSBZCOP011872074.jpg
IMG 2. http://www.boekwurm.co.za/pix-boeke/vernon_god_little.jpg

Wisdom

Minggu siang yang lengas; dan saya tercengang membaca SMS yang kamu kirimkan.

Kamu: Apa yang lebih penting? Menjadi orang bijak, tetapi tidak memiliki rasa … atau orang yang memiliki rasa … tetapi rapuh dan lemah? Dan sampai kapan kita harus menaruh logika ini di atas perasaan yang ada? Cinta atau obsesikah yang ada?

Saya: Orang bijak pasti memiliki rasa. Jika tidak, dia tidak akan menjadi orang bijak. Sampai kapan? Sampai kita berhasil menemukan hikmahnya. Pada akhirnya, kita akan selalu kembali pada cinta …

Kamu: Haruskah cinta? Haruskah rasa? Ketika kita memiliki logika yang membenarkan kita tentang hal-hal cinta dan rasa? Happy Sunday! =)

Saya: Logika tidak dapat digunakan untuk menilai cinta dan rasa. Jika logika masih bersuara, berarti kita belum sungguh-sungguh jatuh cinta. Happy melancholic Sunday! ^.^

Kamu: Dasar Hanny si orang bijak :p

Saya cuma tersenyum simpul. Saya mungkin bodoh, puitis, naif … tetapi bijak? No way! Saya sendiri masih menapaki jalan ini dengan susah-payah, masih tersesat meskipun sudah menggunakan bantuan peta dan GPS, dan ketika tersesat pun saya masih sempat-sempatnya menaati rambu-rambu yang ada.

Tak apalah.

Ketika saya menoleh ke samping kanan, ternyata masih ada kamu. Ke samping kiri, ada dia. Ke belakang, ada mereka. Ternyata saya bukan satu-satunya.

The Potion

It was another Sunday afternoon I spent inside my bedroom; snuggled with more than 53 pages of Marianne’s postings in her wonderful blog: Confessions of A Girl Gone Mad.

I have printed out her previous postings one night, and fastened those pages with a black huge paper clip. I did it in purpose. Since then, in my lowest days, I can always count on Marianne’s postings to make me feel a bit better. Her writings tingle me with this warm feeling of knowing that I’m not alone in this fuss.

I have finished swallowing 10 pages or so before I went to the kitchen and made myself a cup of ‘Chocofee Special’—a mixture of instant coffee (no sugar added) and pasteurized chocolate milk in a huge mug. What a perfect potion, combining caffeine and aphrodisiac in one lousy Sunday afternoon.

The potion must have been strong enough for it have poisoned my brain, and made me do some things I didn’t want to do at the first place. The next move was a big no-no. But I did it. I jumped into that ‘hell-hole’ once again.

In a minute or so, I have grabbed my diary—and flipped the pages until I spotted that sacred date: when you were here. When we met. When it ended.

It was like a burning fire, the sensation that stings my very eyes. I won’t cry. I knew it for sure. It’s like a very sad movie you’ve watched for a million times, and then the saddest part doesn’t bring a shed of tears into your eyes any longer. That you’ve remembered all the details by heart, and all the excruciating pains have become so familiar, and it left you feels nothing but a pang.

I have dreamt of that day, when we met again after we parted for years. Probably being far away from each other for some times could … or would … or should … I don’t know … made us closer?
Made us longing for each other’s presence even more?


But the truth is, nothing has ever happened the way we planned it to be.

There was no such thing as a private dinner; instead, we’re hanging out with a bunch of friends. My friends, your friends, those silly jokes, stupid conversations, awkward moments. Then we parted again after a most condensed 1-hour that I’ve ever experienced in my whole life.

That was so familiar. And I kept asking myself, am I going to repeat all those hellish routine every time we met?

When will I be able to restrain myself from loving you this way? I make plans, but I ruin it. I make promises, but I broke it. I make confessions, but then I deny it.

I closed my diary and wrote this hullabaloo as an effort to keep my sanity, while listening to this song “When You Know” by Shawn Colvin (the original soundtrack of Serendipity).

Instantly, the music and the lyric filled my mind with the ghost of you.

When you know that you know who you love, you can’t deny it. Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don’t buy it. When it’s clear this time you’ve found the one, you’ll never let him go. Cause you know and you know that you know.

________________

IMG. http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/3887/449/1600/blythe%20blue%20eyes.jpg
IMG. http://moblog.co.uk/blogs/1785/moblog_20054f7b35cc8.jpg

To my dear brother:


Litik, sobat. Gua ini waktu SMU rese ga seh? Kira-kira gua ini temen yg baek bukan seh? G benci banget ma diri gua ini. Ha ha ha ha tolongin gua dunk. Cape neh …

Ada apa dengan pesan putus asa itu?

Di tengah kesibukan saya yang sedang menggila, saya minta maaf karena hanya bisa membalasnya dengan sebuah pesan singkat: “Lho, kenapa, ada apa?”

I should have called you right away. Tapi pulsa saya yang tinggal Rp. 45.000,- sama sekali tidak mencukupi. Maaf, ya. Saya akan segera menelepon begitu saya sudah sempat mengisi pulsa ponsel saya. Janji. Saya akan habiskan satu voucher senilai 100.000 rupiah itu untuk kamu, meskipun itu berarti kita cuma bisa bicara selama 15-20 menit.

Saya bertanya-tanya, ada apa dengan kamu?
Belum lama berselang, kamu mengirimkan SMS in such a cheerful manner. Kamu bilang kamu sudah punya pacar. What’s been up since then?

Saya tidak bisa berhenti memikirkan kamu; kenapa kamu bisa mengirimkan SMS janggal itu, apa yang terjadi? Kenapa dengan begitu tiba-tiba … kamu yang biasanya selalu tidak pedulian, tiba-tiba menjadi melankolis seperti saya?

Waktu SMU kamu rese atau tidak?
Dengan jujur, saya akan jawab: “Kadang-kadang”.

Apakah kamu teman yang baik atau bukan?
Saya akan menjawab pertanyaan itu sebagai berikut: saya sudah berteman dengan kamu selama lebih dari 10 tahun dan saya belum berniat memutuskan persahabatan kita, walaupun kita tak pernah menandatangani surat kontrak bermaterai.

Kamu benci sama diri kamu sendiri? Hmm, siapa yang tidak? *wink* 🙂 Tenang, bro, kita semua membenci diri sendiri pada saat-saat tertentu dalam hidup ini. Tapi… saya tidak membenci kamu.

Kamu memang tidak sempurna.
Kadang-kadang kamu menyebalkan. Kadang-kadang kamu hanya ingin didengarkan, tetapi tidak mau mendengarkan. Kadang-kadang kamu egois. Tapi kita semua mengalami ‘kadang-kadang’ itu. Kita semua pernah menyebalkan pada fase-fase tertentu.

Kalau kamu capek, istirahatlah, bro. Take a rest from being yourself. And be whomever you like for a while. Tapi setelah itu, cepat kembali jadi kamu lagi, yaaa.


Kamu yang bisa bikin saya ketawa. Kamu yang bisa bikin saya semangat lagi. Kamu yang suka memuji dan bisa bikin hidung kembang-kempis. Kamu yang terkadang ‘tulalit’. Kamu yang selalu mendukung mimpi-mimpi bodoh saya dan mengerti kisah cinta saya yang lebih kerap berjalan di tempat.

Saya harap kamu bisa cepat menjadi kamu lagi. Kamu yang suka bikin jengkel, bikin kesel, sekaligus bikin kangen. Kamu yang tidak sempurna. Karena ketidaksempurnaan kamu adalah satu hal istimewa yang membuat kamu nampak sempurna di mata saya.

Tight hugs,
:Litik
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IMG.http://tweb.lisd.net/marisa_robles/images/peanuts/charlie%20brown%20&%20snoopy.gif IMG. http://www.tonystrading.co.uk/pix/cartoon-images/peanutsgang.gif IMG. http://members.fortunecity.it/tuttofumetti/cartoon/immaginicartoon/peanuts.jpg

Berbagi Suami – Part 2

A few months ago, I published a posting called “BERBAGI SUAMI“. Last night, one of my friend I mentioned in that posting called me up.

She: Han? Guess what?

Nie: What? You broke up with him?

She: Yes, it’s over.

Nie: Great!

She: What do you mean ‘great’? I’m so fucked up!

Nie: At least, you’ve done the right thing. Don’t you think?

She: Yes, but actually he’s the one who told me that this is the best thing for us–to stay away from each other. To end this relationship …

Nie: Well, that’s … good …

She: But I want to have a voice in this relationship! I want to make a choice for my own life, for OUR relationship!

Nie: Well, let’s put it this way. In YOUR relationship, he’s got a choice as well, dear. His choice is to call it a quit.

She: Damn. You’re right. It hurts.

Nie: Hey, come on. There are still so many guys out there, like AD.

She: AD is a jerk!

Nie: Well, what about your ‘man’? Don’t you think he’s a jerk himself? At least AD is not married yet. He doesn’t have 2 kids!

She: That’s mean, you know.

Nie: I’m just trying to be honest.

She hang up the phone.

Probably I haven’t become a good friend, but at least I didn’t betray the values I believe in. I hope she’ll understand. I hope she’ll forgive me. I hope she realized that I said those things because I care about her sooo much. I won’t support her in this case, as I won’t support my friend who wanted to jump from the 21st floor and ended her future in an instant.

I hope she’ll understand the kind of friendship I cherish.
I love her too much to be able to tell her beautiful lies.