I dreamt about him (again) last night. As always, it wasn’t a nice dream after all.

In my dream, I was sleeping inside a friend’s car, and when I woke up, he was already sitting at the front seat. He didn’t drive, and there was no one else around, but the car was moving. We didn’t talk. Every once and a while, we looked at each other and smiled, then threw our glance to the window, as if the road out there was the greatest thing on earth to be seen.

I woke up to emptiness–and realized that my handphone alarm was beeping frantically.


The office was still empty when I arrived; a perfect chance for me to take a quick look on his friendster account. I moved the cursor below; and suddenly felt the urge to click the ‘delete’ option under my testimonial for him. It was irritating to see those words I used back then. I felt cheap, though he deserves those fancy words. However, deleting that testimonial will be way too obvious …

During lunch time, I found myself in Kinokuniya bookstore at Plaza Senayan. Being in a bookstore always makes me feel a bit better–especially when I came out with books I have craving for. Today, the dark blue plastic bag was filled with Vernon God Little by DBC Pierre and Haruki Murakami’s Birthday Stories.

I walked out from the bookstore with a huge smile; and a strange kind of warmth wrapped my heart–it was like you were cocooning under a comfortable quilt. I felt like celebrating …


Finally, I could feel some level of cheapness about my feelings over him! It’s not sadness. Not a sense of regret. Not anger. But cheapness! It’s just great! I think I have made some progress …
____________________________

IMG 1. http://www.citydisc.ch/pix/art/bookshop_2/CHSBZCOP/01/1872/CHSBZCOP011872074.jpg
IMG 2. http://www.boekwurm.co.za/pix-boeke/vernon_god_little.jpg

hanny

If you made it this, far, please say 'hi'. It really means a lot to me! :)

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Standing up for yourself does not have to look aggressive. It does not have to feel like a fight. It's not always about convincing others or explaining yourself and your decisions with the hope that everyone else understands or accepts your choice.
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This year, I learned to accept the days when I don't feel motivated, tired, or a bit grumpy. I learned to allow myself to sit with this feeling instead of feeling guilty about it and forcing myself to be productive, socialize, or just get things done.
Hanny illustrator
Hi. I'm HANNY
I am an Indonesian writer and an artist/illustrator based in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. I love facilitating writing/creative workshops and retreats, especially when they are tied to self-exploration and self-expression. In Indonesian, 'beradadisini' means being here. So, here I am, documenting life—one word at a time.

hanny

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