I wish I could tell you right away.

About this funny feeling I felt inside of me since the very first time we met. About how the feeling lingers up to now; though the intensity has lessen bit by bit. About how I choose to remember you the way I want it; until sometimes the boundaries between what is real and what is not becomes idle. About how I’ve been trying to hate you, only to find myself loving you even more. About how I’ve been trying to let you go, but turns out that I cannot. About how you’ve changed my world since then. About how you’ve changed me.

And I wonder if, just once in your busy life, you’ve ever noticed my presence.

I wish I could tell you all these things without being selfish. Since the consequences of having this wish granted might ruined everything about us. About you. And the last thing I want is for you to feel like you’re obliged to cheer me up when things turn ugly.

I have so many soundtracks about us; shuffling inside my head, everyday, as I remember you. James Blunt’s You’re Beautiful is playing right now, since I came to remember the time when you asked me something, and I answered by saying that it wasn’t important.

You wonder why.

James Blunt’s still playing in my head, and I turn up the volume, hoping that somehow you’ll be able to hear it.

You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
and I don’t know what to do.
Cause I’ll never be with you.


6 Responses

  1. Aha! While someone singing Jon Secada, the other singing James Blunt. What a world of a bunch of losers! Hahahaha…

    Kidding.. As i said, enjoy it! Paling nggak, ada sesuatu yang berbekas… 😉

  2. kok lagunya sama seh ama yang lagi gw denger belakangan ini…

    kalo kebetulan itu ada… ah ga ada itu yang namanya kebetulan didunia ini…. ,

    *dan kebetulan aja gw percaya itu*

  3. hi hanny, wish you’re my honey, hihihi …. salam kenal dan thanks sudah mampir ke gubug saya. kapan2 nyari bella-ritz yuk! 🙂

  4. ndoro – kirain pas kemarin ‘mampir’ ke kantor beneran mau lanjut ke kafe pisa, ndoro … eh pulang duluan, sih hahahahaha :p

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We tend to shape our memories of them based on the limited time we spend with them—and our memories of them, over time, will be replaced with one single word, one single interaction, or one single feeling.
Beradadisini Love Letter to Self
I took up a personal journaling project this week: writing a love letter to myself before bed. I work on a thin A6-size handmade paper journal I got from a paper artist, Els. The journal is thin and small enough, so it doesn't overwhelm me. It feels like I am only going to work on a small project.
Standing up for yourself does not have to look aggressive. It does not have to feel like a fight. It's not always about convincing others or explaining yourself and your decisions with the hope that everyone else understands or accepts your choice.
Hanny illustrator
I am an Indonesian writer/artist/illustrator and stationery web shop owner (Cafe Analog) based in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. I love facilitating writing/creative workshops and retreats, especially when they are tied to self-exploration and self-expression. In Indonesian, 'beradadisini' means being here. So, here I am, documenting life—one word at a time.