I wish I could tell you right away.

About this funny feeling I felt inside of me since the very first time we met. About how the feeling lingers up to now; though the intensity has lessen bit by bit. About how I choose to remember you the way I want it; until sometimes the boundaries between what is real and what is not becomes idle. About how I’ve been trying to hate you, only to find myself loving you even more. About how I’ve been trying to let you go, but turns out that I cannot. About how you’ve changed my world since then. About how you’ve changed me.

And I wonder if, just once in your busy life, you’ve ever noticed my presence.

I wish I could tell you all these things without being selfish. Since the consequences of having this wish granted might ruined everything about us. About you. And the last thing I want is for you to feel like you’re obliged to cheer me up when things turn ugly.

I have so many soundtracks about us; shuffling inside my head, everyday, as I remember you. James Blunt’s You’re Beautiful is playing right now, since I came to remember the time when you asked me something, and I answered by saying that it wasn’t important.

You wonder why.

James Blunt’s still playing in my head, and I turn up the volume, hoping that somehow you’ll be able to hear it.

You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
and I don’t know what to do.
Cause I’ll never be with you.


6 Responses

  1. Aha! While someone singing Jon Secada, the other singing James Blunt. What a world of a bunch of losers! Hahahaha…

    Kidding.. As i said, enjoy it! Paling nggak, ada sesuatu yang berbekas… 😉

  2. kok lagunya sama seh ama yang lagi gw denger belakangan ini…

    kalo kebetulan itu ada… ah ga ada itu yang namanya kebetulan didunia ini…. ,

    *dan kebetulan aja gw percaya itu*

  3. hi hanny, wish you’re my honey, hihihi …. salam kenal dan thanks sudah mampir ke gubug saya. kapan2 nyari bella-ritz yuk! 🙂

  4. ndoro – kirain pas kemarin ‘mampir’ ke kantor beneran mau lanjut ke kafe pisa, ndoro … eh pulang duluan, sih hahahahaha :p

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Screenshot 2022-12-08 at 12.43.17
This year, I learned to accept the days when I don't feel motivated, tired, or a bit grumpy. I learned to allow myself to sit with this feeling instead of feeling guilty about it and forcing myself to be productive, socialize, or just get things done.
Photo by Georgia de Lotz on Unsplash
In the end, self-care is not always about doing the things that make us feel good or give us instant gratification. It's also about doing the RIGHT thing: something that is good for us in the long run—even if it may feel hard at times.
Hanny illustrator
I am an Indonesian writer and an artist/illustrator based in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. I love facilitating writing/creative workshops and retreats, especially when they are tied to self-exploration and self-expression. In Indonesian, 'beradadisini' means being here. So, here I am, documenting life—one word at a time.