Probably it started out that day, when we had a small reunion on Friday night to celebrate a friend’s birthday. No, actually, we forced the birthday boy to treat us dinner 🙂

So, there we were, laughing like hell in a small Japanese food-stall along Pajajaran street. It was like going back to those days when we were still in highschool. We surprised Rey, the lucky birthday boy, with a blueberry cake with 5 candles on top of it. (Sorry, we only got 5 candles for free ;p)

The blueberry cake was yummy, as well as the food … and the laughter we had was more than satisfying.

I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed this way; laughing until my stomach hurts like hell, my throat is getting sore, and my eyes get teary. There were six of us: me, the birthday boy, my lovely brother, the tulalit CEO, the Dusaspun guy, and my orange sister.

We laughed out loud the whole night, like the world was ours. Like nobody else were eating at that small Japanese food-stall. Like they weren’t bothered by the loud noise we created. We just didn’t care. At that time, we are the world.

So this is how it feels to be free…

I came home that night with this beautiful feeling lingering inside of me. I guessed I was tired of being sad. Tired of being this melancholic brat who whined about her love life all the time. Tired of waiting in uncertainty. Tired of spending my life this way. On top of that, I’m tired of loving someone so selfishly …

Crossed my mind then, that it must have been a burden for him to be loved this way, to be loved with lots of sadness, anger, and disappointment.

I blamed him for the condition I was in, but I have never admitted the fact that I was the one who drawn myself into this condition. I have chosen to put myself in this unlikely situation (and I was kind of enjoying the pain it caused–does it mean that I have a tendency of being a masochist?!!)–and it wasn’t fair that I cursed him for all my sufferings.

To be bold, it was all my fault.
I should be held responsible for all the ‘misfortune’ that have happened in my life, and he’s got nothing to do with it.

Now I know where did the ‘guilty feeling’ came from. It wasn’t from the regret for not being able to tell him my true feelings, but it was creeping from this unconscious mind of mine, telling me that I was wrong for I have loving him so selfishly.

That my love hurts him in many ways I can’t comprehend. That the negative energy did struck him in one and other way, and have made him unhappy.

Darling, for this late consciousness, I owe you an apology.
I am really sorry.

I will always pray for you: that you will live a happy life, be blessed with lots of love, and have such a wonderful relationships along the way … and I hope you’ll remember this:

Yes, I do have beautiful old memories about you,
and I cherish those memories with all my heart,
and that you will always have a friend in me.

This I promise you 🙂

IMG. http://www.glarkware.com/media/product_main_u_sorry.jpg
IMG. http://www.glarkware.com/media/product_main_g_sorry.jpg

hanny

If you made it this, far, please say 'hi'. It really means a lot to me! :)

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This year, I learned to accept the days when I don't feel motivated, tired, or a bit grumpy. I learned to allow myself to sit with this feeling instead of feeling guilty about it and forcing myself to be productive, socialize, or just get things done.
Photo by Georgia de Lotz on Unsplash
In the end, self-care is not always about doing the things that make us feel good or give us instant gratification. It's also about doing the RIGHT thing: something that is good for us in the long run—even if it may feel hard at times.
Hanny illustrator
Hi. I'm HANNY
I am an Indonesian writer and an artist/illustrator based in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. I love facilitating writing/creative workshops and retreats, especially when they are tied to self-exploration and self-expression. In Indonesian, 'beradadisini' means being here. So, here I am, documenting life—one word at a time.

hanny

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