It’s hard to forgive others; but it’s even harder to forgive yourself …

Saya nggak tau apakah pernyataan di atas berlaku untuk semua orang atau nggak; yang jelas, kalimat itu berlaku buat saya. Emh, sebenernya not really juga, sih. It’s not that hard for me to forgive others. ;p

Saya termasuk orang yang pemaaf (beneran, lho) … hahaha … ! Jadi kalo hari ini lagi benci dan sebel banget sama seseorang, besok juga udah langsung lupa lagi. Padahal pas lagi sebel-sebelnya udah kebayang tuh, hal-hal jelek seperti:

“Awas ya, lain kali kalo dia nelepon lagi nggak bakal saya angkat!”
atau
“Liat aja, lain kali saya nggak akan bantuin dia lagi!”

Eh, tapi besok atau lusa, perasaan itu udah langsung berkurang sampai 90%. Dan akhirnya terlupakan begitu saja seiring berjalannya waktu ;p Yang menjadi masalah buat saya justru sebaliknya.

It’s so damn hard for me to forgive myself.

I’ve done lots of mistakes in my life, some are huge mistakes that took place somewhere in my past and hurted those I loved … and I think I haven’t managed to forgive myself for those mistakes. Until now.

Am I too hard on myself? Or probably … I have waaayyyy too much “angelic” side inside of me? Hahaha … nope, just kiddin’!!! ;p

But, to be serious, Saya merasa bahwa somehow it’s unforgiveable when I hurt other’s feelings. Seperti cerita klasik tentang anak kecil itu, lho. Kata bokapnya, setiap kali anak itu merasa marah atau berbuat jahat sama orang lain, dia harus menancapkan sebuah paku di pagar untuk mengendalikan amarahnya. Dan akhirnya, ketika pagar rumah mereka sudah penuh dengan paku, dan si anak kecil ini sedikit demi sedikit sudah mulai bisa mengendalikan amarahnya, bokapnya nyuruh anak tadi mencabut kembali semua paku itu… sampai yang tertinggal hanyalah pagar rumah mereka yang berlubang-lubang.

The moral of the story is … (hehehe) setiap kali kita menyakiti orang lain, kita seperti menancapkan paku ke hati mereka (*jleb!* ;p) dan ketika kita minta maaf, paku itu kita cabut lagi. But it’s not over. Karena hati mereka tetap berlubang. Seperti pagar itu. Sekalinya kita menyakiti orang, nggak peduli berapa kali kita mau minta maaf, kita tetep meninggalkan bekas di hati mereka. Bekas yang nggak akan pernah hilang …

Another analogy? Seperti kita melemparkan batu ke dalam danau yang tenang. Waktu kita lemparin batunya, air di danau itu jadi beriak-riak. Tetapi nggak lama kemudian airnya jadi tenang lagi. Nobody knows that once, we had thrown a stone into the pond. Sepertinya nggak ada yang berubah. Tapi kita tahu, bahwa dasar danau itu sudah berubah. Batu yang kita lempar ada di dasar danau sana. And in one and other way, we’ve changed the pond, and the pond will never be the same again …

Just like the song TOXIC by Robbie Williams: “stick and stones may break my bones, but words can burn a happy homes, it’s true … ”

Probably the thing I’ve said … hurts people. Make them cry. And make them feel sorry for themselves. Word is cruel. It’s mean. That’s the reason why, whenever I get mad, I tend to lock myself in my bedroom, stay away of people (especially people that I love) and try to keep my mouth shut–as a preventive attempt. I don’t wanna say some words I’m going to regret later on.

So, please bear in mind … that if I’m mad at you and I’m trying to avoid you (instead of blurting out cruel words at you);that’s because I love you!!! If I don’t want to see you; don’t want to meet you; don’t want to talk to you; or don’t want to receive a phone call from you… that’s because I want to prevent myself from saying evil things about you …!!!

Cause I love you so much, so much that I don’t want to hurt you—and I won’t let others to hurt you, either!

This is my way of loving.

Please do understand …

hanny

If you made it this, far, please say 'hi'. It really means a lot to me! :)

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Hi. I'm HANNY
I'm a published writer and a writing/creative workshop facilitator based in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. In Indonesian, 'beradadisini' means being here. So, here I am, documenting life—one word at a time.

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