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I Don’t Feel Like A Writer Anymore.

Since I was little, I have always wanted to be a writer. I grew up reading Blyton, Lindgren, and Hitchcock, wanting to be just like them—having the ‘superpower’ to create a parallel world and transport people to experience different lives and undergo different adventures. I spent my teenage days writing stories. During the weekends, I typed and typed and typed, only went to bed at around 4 or 5 am with a jittery feeling of not knowing how the story will end.

When later in life some of my short stories and travel narratives got published in an omnibus by two of Indonesia’s major publishers, I was so proud. It was like an achievement in itself: a dream come true. When I caught a glimpse of those omnibus on the shelves of a bookstore, I thought to myself, “Now I can really call myself a writer!”

But here’s the thing: I don’t feel like a writer anymore.

I posted a question on Instagram a few days ago as I was pondering about this issue, and I’m so relieved that some of you are kind enough to let me know that you are also facing the same dilemma and even share your struggles.

Have you ever felt trapped by the label you gave to yourself? Have you ever felt as if you’ve outgrown the label?

I didn’t know when the label ‘WRITER’ started to bother me, but it must have been getting on my nerves for the past few years. Not that I am not into writing anymore—on the contrary, I am still writing and I can’t stop thinking of future book projects (something is brewing for the end of the year!). However, oddly, these days the ‘writer’ label I have glued unto myself feels somewhat suffocating. When I have to speak in front of an audience or delivering a workshop, when the organizer introduced me as a writer, I feel like a fraud, a liar.

“But, why?” you might ask.

I don’t know. I can’t precisely pinpoint the reasons: maybe because I don’t feel like I have been productive. Maybe because I have experienced the feeling of ‘being a published writer’ and now that I have known the feeling I was no longer curious. Maybe because I wanted to do more than ‘just writing’. Maybe because I’m a little bit bored with this whole ‘writing thing’. Maybe because I have just started expanding my creative expressions to drawing and filming. Maybe because that label feels too limiting and doesn’t give me enough room to experiment in life.

Whatever the reasons might be, it’s not about reasoning at all. It’s more about how I feel; no matter how irrational it might sound.

The thing is, lately, I have learned to trust my feelings and rely on them more. I mean, who am I to call myself a ‘writer’ when I don’t feel like one?

Only then it dawned on me that I was the one who gave this label to myself. Even if the label was attached to me by someone else (publisher, workshop organizers, etc.), I was the one who decided to embrace the label, voluntarily. Thus, I actually have the power to ditch the label when it no longer suits me. I can bid the label farewell. I don’t have to walk around carrying the label on my shoulders when it feels too heavy. When I decided to drop the label, I don’t have to conform to what other people might expect from that particular label.

So, I decided to do it today: to drop the label and not to think of myself as a writer anymore.

I was feeling a bit scared, actually: should I do this?

But then I realized that this is a label I created or embraced for myself. It’s only a label. Just because I decided not to call myself a writer anymore, it doesn’t mean that I can no longer write. Maybe, I can even write more and better once I am done associating myself with the label.

I am having fun trying to find a new label that might fit me better at this stage. Some of you might say, but what’s the point of ditching a label to attach a new label unto yourself? Why can’t we just be humans without labels?

To which I would say: I am trying to get there. To be who I am, no labels attached.

However, for practical reasons, I still need to label myself with something (new). At least for myself, so I won’t feel too lost. Then, of course, to introduce myself to potential clients during meetings or networking events. (Do you know that since I quit my job and work independently, I haven’t printed my name card because I still couldn’t decide what I wanted to put as a title?).

So, after listing down the things I’m doing now (personally and professionally), plus listing down the things I would want to do in the future (personally and professionally), I am happy to attach a new label unto myself.

I am a creator. A creator of experience in life, a creator of content in the digital world.

I think, for the time being, I like the label. It fits me nicely like a new pair of jeans. Surely, just like a new pair of jeans, it’s still a bit stiff (and, you do know that faint smell of ‘the store’, don’t you?). I would need to wear it more, so I can wash it and crack it a little bit to make it even more fitting. Oh, and in the next few days, I will also need to adjust my bio/profile here and on other social media platforms. Indeed, more work and adjustments, but it’s okay.

So, here I am, with my new label, intending to create more playful and meaningful content (or experience) on and off the Internet. When it comes to working, I could say that I help my clients to do just the same—and during workshops, classes, or retreats, I am basically sharing about the same thing.

On another note, maybe I’ll also get tired of this label one day and granted myself a new one in the next 3, 5, or 10 years. Who knows? However, I guess that’s the point.

Life is about forever rediscovering something new about ourselves. It’s about growing and evolving. And why should we feel bad about retiring an old label? We’re not supposed to feel bad when we’re retiring a piece of clothing that has become too tight or too worn out for us, aren’t we?

With that being said, maybe I can start designing my name card and get them printed out next week.

 

PS: If you could drop a label that has burdened your life lately, what would that label be, and what would you embrace as a new label?

hanny
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Journaling: Keeping and Designing Your Time-Tracker Journal

Reader’s Question:

How did you start journaling in the first place? How do you split your time between other parts of life (daily tasks, work, responsibilities, etc.) and journaling? How do you design your time-tracker journal, and how can I create my own?

— from Instagram comments

***

When I uploaded an Instagram story about my time-tracker journal and an Instagram picture about my planner a few weeks ago, some of you asked some questions about journaling and making a time-tracker journal for yourself. Since it would be such a nuisance to type the answer on Instagram’s comment section, I decided to respond to those questions via this blog post. Hope this helps.

How did I start journaling?

I started journaling in the 1st grade of elementary school. It started out when my mother bought me a diary with a lock (the cutest thing!) and since then, I never stopped writing in my journals. I have quite a huge pile of journals at the moment, all those handwritings from early elementary school days throughout the rest of my childhood, from my adolescence to my twenties. And sometimes, I reread them: amazed at how much I’ve grown throughout the years.

I guess writing (and mostly journaling), has always been my go-to outlet for self-discovery. A few years ago, I wrote this post about why I write and why it has such a profound effect on me, so you can visit that post if you’re interested to know more about how I chose writing as my outlet of expression (or, on how writing chose me).

How do I split my time between journaling and other parts of life (daily tasks, work, responsibilities, etc.)?

Okay, here’s the thing: journaling, writing, and other creative pursuits—whether it’s drawing, painting, learning how to make illustrations–are the things that I need in life. When people talk about self-care, they might talk about taking a vacation, traveling, pampering themselves, eating healthy food, going to the gym, having a wonderful time with friends and families, or doing other things that make them feel happy and fulfilled. For me, having the time to be creative (and to create) is my way to take good care of myself. It feeds my soul.

When I’m stressed, sad, facing problems, agitated, or not feeling well, having my creative time is the thing that lifts me up. It could be as simple as reading a good book, trying a new recipe, drawing, writing a poem, or simply journaling and dumping my thoughts and feelings on the pages. For me, creative time equals self-care, and having my creative time makes me feel happy, empowered, (somewhat) artistic, and productive.

Having the time to be creative is my way to take a good care of myself. I need it. It’s crucial for my well-being.

I always feel the most productive when I am having a creative time. No matter how busy I am with work, no matter how excited I am about my professional achievements, no matter how many to-do lists and responsibilities I ticked off, at the end of the day, the thing that matters the most to me is how I’ve spent my creative time and what I’ve created that day.

I’m not saying that professional achievements or performing well at work don’t matter as much, but it’s also crucial for me to know that there’s an achievement that is mine; and mine alone. It’s not about being (or looking) busy, getting praise, a salary, a bonus, contributing to a team, or pleasing a client. It’s about exploring my creativity and be content with that—knowing that I am the only person who knows what I have done today, or how much I have grown since yesterday.

With that being said, let’s move on to the question: how do I split my time between work, daily tasks, and journaling?

In the old days, this was how I would do it: when planning my day, I would list down all my work responsibilities, deadlines, meetings, daily tasks, house chores, appointments, etc. and then, when I could find an empty slot of time, I would allocate that slot for my creative time.

Of course, this approach didn’t work for me.

Magically, I would always have more things to do, more emails to reply to, more work stuff coming in, more dishes to wash… and even if I could find an empty slot of time that day, usually I had been so exhausted from fulfilling my duties and responsibilities that I didn’t want to do anything else; let alone ‘being creative’.

So, these past few years, I changed the way I plan my day. Instead of listing down all my work responsibilities, deadlines, meetings, daily tasks, house chores, or appointments to then find an empty slot of time for my creative pursuits, I did the opposite. I would block a slot of time for my creative pursuit first (could be for around 30 minutes – 1 hour), and only then the rest of the empty slots can be filled with my work responsibilities, deadlines, meetings, daily tasks, or other appointments.

Usually, I block my early mornings for my first round of creative time (I called this time of the day my miracle morning, based on the book The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod; and I think you should read this book as well!). I don’t mind waking up a bit earlier to have my slow and miraculous morning: making a cup of coffee, doing a 1-minute meditation, reading a book about drawing, sketching and doing some character studies for my illustrations,  journaling, watching uplifting videos, or simply writing about the things I’d like to do/achieve that day.

I plan my day around my self-care, not the other way around. My commitments and responsibilities will fit themselves around it.

Surely, if there are still more unused time slots after this, I can use the time for whatever I want—but planning my day around my creative time (instead of planning my creative time around my day) does the trick for me. By doing this, I can make sure that I stay happy and creative, knowing that I will always have (and make) the time for my self-care routine, and my other responsibilities will fit around it.

Does it sound selfish?

Probably, but I see it this way: when I’m happy, I can also fulfill my responsibilities better. When I’m in a good mood, I am more energetic. I feel inspired and I feel more creative. So whether I’m working on a deadline, talking on the phone for a remote meeting, or doing house chores, I am doing those things in a healthy mental and emotional state. Thus, for me, it makes sense to always put my well-being first, which in my case, is about having my undisturbed creative time.

How did I design my time-tracker journal, and how to create your own?

I designed my time-tracker journal because I want to know whether I’m really busy or just busy being busy. I want to know how do I use up (or waste) my time in a day and what are the things I can achieve mostly from 6 am to 11 pm every day. Where does exactly my time go in a day?

Another thing was that I also want to track the time when I feel most productive and the time when I have an energy slump so I can plan my days better. By keeping a time-tracker journal for some time, I also hope that I could find out if there were some correlations between how I spend my time with my energy level and my overall mood.

For instance, there were days when I feel so tired and sleepy at around 2 pm – 4 pm, but there were also other days when I go through these ‘sluggish hours’ being productive, feeling inspired and energetic.

I wanted to know why this happened, and once knowing that (or at least have a good indication about why it happened), I wanted to know how I could have my productive 2 pm – 4 pm more often. By tracking my time, I wish I could see how to manage my energy better. (If you’re interested in the concept of managing energy to improve your performance, I would suggest the book The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz).

I created my time-tracker journal on a weekly insert I bought here and stamped the hours with this stamp set. Because I wanted to measure the correlation between how I spend my time and how it affects my mood and energy level, I decided to color-code my time-tracker with my KOI coloring brush pen.

  • Pink is for a productive time when I feel creative and energetic. This includes the time when I work, replying to business emails, reading a non-fiction book, learning languages, drawing, exercising, writing, or doing other creative stuff. My creative time is counted as a productive time.
  • Blue is for my non-productive time when I feel tired, sleepy, or lethargic. This includes the time of scrolling social media feed mindlessly, following threads and comments on a controversial Facebook status, taking a long nap, or feeling down, miserable, uninspired, or sick.
  • Yellow is for my social & commuting time when I meet people, get on a bus, hop on a red-eye flight, attend a dinner party, have a catch-up lunch with friends, or delivering training and workshops.

This is how I formatted my time-tracker journal, but of course, you can do it however you like and adjust it to your needs. For instance, you can choose a different layout using a normal notebook, list down the hours from top to bottom, and write down the things you do next to it. You can also use color-coding to track other things you want to track in your life. It just happens that I want to track my energy level, so I decided to go with this tracking system.

Then, basically what I do with my time-tracker journal is as simple as writing down the things I do at a particular time of the day, and color code the hours with pink, blue, or yellow.

After keeping the time-tracker journal for more than 2 months, I can already see some patterns, such as:

  1. When my morning starts with a blue (i.e. I woke up feeling sluggish/tired/grumpy), 80% of the time, it will lead to more blues in the afternoon/evening. Knowing this, when I woke up with a blue, I put extra efforts to fix it: maybe treating myself to an extra hour of drawing instead of immediately replying to business emails, listening to cheerful songs to lift up my mood, or making pretty-looking oatmeal for breakfast.
  2. When I have a big lunch followed by a passive activity (reading, watching videos, etc.), I would also get blues between 2 pm – 4 pm. However, when I have a light lunch followed by hours of doing things (working, washing dishes, tidying my drawer, planning my to-do lists for the next day, journaling, etc.) I would not hit the blues.
  3. When I have loads of yellows on my day, 90% of the time, it will lead to a few hours of blues the next day. When I had to deliver a 3-day workshop a month back, I found out that the next 2 days following that 3-day workshop was filled with blues. I have always known, instinctively, that although I love meeting people, those interactions drained me up. I always feel the need to clam up and recharge before being able to be a social butterfly once more. The time-tracker journal confirmed this need. Thus, when I know I will have a big day full of work deadlines, I would decline any social get-together the day before. Or if I know I will have a full social calendar on the weekend, I would not set up a project deadline on the following Monday or Tuesday; knowing full-well that I would need to recuperate.
  4. When I work on a creative project from around 6 pm onwards, I would not feel hungry or crave a big dinner. Most of the time, I forgot about dinner altogether because I was too absorbed in the activity.
  5. When I go to bed after 11 pm, 80% of the time, I would wake up with blues the next morning.
  6. When I spend a lot of time mindlessly scrolling on social media (more than half an hour), the following hours will be blue.

I found it interesting (but would also understand if this sounds boring to some of you!), and couldn’t wait to see what other ‘revelations’ I could get in the next 2-3 months of keeping my time-tracker journal. For me, the journal also serves as an activity tracker, a mood tracker, a productivity tracker, and a tiny summary of my days.

Are you thinking of starting a time-tracker journal of your own? Why do you think you would need one? What are the things you want to track? How do you think you can get to know yourself better if you can track the way you spend your time every day? I would love to hear from you!

hanny
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Intuitive Journaling for Closure & Forgiveness

How to use intuitive journaling for closure & forgiveness

Some refer to it as freewriting or automatic writing. The idea is to set a timer for a certain period of time: one minute, three minutes, five minutes, up to you. As the timer starts, begin writing (with pen and paper) in your journal, without really thinking, without really stopping.

Write whatever crossed your mind.

It doesn’t matter if things appear to sound weird, funny, or senseless. The idea is to translate your tangled and busy mind into the paper.

Here’s the secret: DO NOT stop as you write, not even for a split second. Do not think. Just write until your time is up. Follow the chaos of your mind and write everything down. Everything.

You could even write something like, “I don’t know why I am doing this, oh, I’m so hungry, like so, hungry and my foot itches and what should I write this is strange really…”

It’s OK.

Keep writing.

I like to call this technique ‘intuitive writing’ or ‘intuitive journaling’ because after doing this practice for a while, you will notice the magical moment when your intuition starts talking to you from the chaos of the page.

The Steps

Here’s the thing: closure is not about something we need to resolve with another person, but something we need to resolve with ourselves. We need a closure not to bridge the gap between our significant other and us, but to close the gap between our beliefs, our values, our inner guidance—and us.

Thus, we can create our own moments of closure, and—hopefully, in time, forgive:

  1. Prepare a piece of pen and paper (or you can use your journal pages if you like)
  2. Prepare a timer and set it to 5 minutes
  3. Now think of a moment/hurtful experience you want to have a closure upon. While doing this and letting your feelings being stirred up, bring to your mind the image of the person who caused you this hurtful experience, imagine this person as a 4-year-old kid and then as an 80-year-old.
  4. Next, get ready with your pen and paper to do your intuitive journaling. Activate your timer, and for 5 minutes, without stopping, without thinking too much, write a letter of apology from that person to you. It may sound weird at first, but just trust your intuition and write loosely, not stopping at all—and if you’re true to the rules, at the end of the exercise, you’ll find a letter with a voice that is a bit foreign to you: the voice of the other person. Just write whatever crossed your mind. Do not try to think or analyze the person, do not try to correct or edit yourself by saying, “No, he or she won’t be saying this.” If you find it difficult, start the letter with Dear ___(your name), I am sorry for _________ and let your intuition roam free from there.
  5. Trust, and write as fast as you can without thinking until the time is up.
  6. When the timer rings, you can stop writing. Or if you feel the push to keep writing mindlessly, continue for another 2-3 minutes.
  7. When you’re done, you can: 1) mail this letter to yourself or 2) read this letter whenever you feel hurt/emotional as you remember a painful moment/incident involving this particular person.

I don’t believe in the saying that we should forgive.

I don’t think that the word should and forgiving go hand in hand together.

Of course, we could always say, “I forgive you,” or “I accept your apology.”

But does saying it means we have truly forgiven someone—or even ourselves?

When we try so hard to forgive, it feels even more difficult. Because when we are thinking about forgiving, automatically, we are thinking about the things that need to be forgiven. We’re thinking about what our significant other (or ourselves) has done that needs to be forgiven. Those thoughts are not necessarily beautiful.

Thus, it feels contradictory.

Saying I-forgive-you is easy.
Forgiving is not.

Many said that forgiveness is the key to closure. And it’s true.

However, we should not push ourselves to forgive when we are not yet ready. To forgive, we need to go through a process of understanding our heartaches, our feelings, and ourselves.

Most of the time, forgiveness doesn’t come the moment we say I-forgive-you.
Forgiveness, often, arrives when we least expect it.

There will be a day when we feel light, happy, and carefree. The day when we’re doing the things we love, having fun with the people we adore, and feeling good about ourselves. And right there and then, we will experience a flashback of an uncomfortable moment we had with someone who (either knowingly or unknowingly) hurt us.

And when that moment comes, we will feel fine. The memory stays, but it doesn’t affect us. It doesn’t bring us down. It doesn’t make us doubt ourselves. It is only a memory.

That is the moment when we experience forgiveness.

We forgive when we can access the memory of something unfavorable that once happened to us—and feel okay with that. We know it’s a part of our lives, but we don’t feel the rush of feelings or emotions associated with that particular memory any longer.

We don’t forget. We remember.

But we remember the memory as a moment, not as a feeling.

So, say I-forgive-you if it feels right. However, there’s no need to push ourselves to forgive and forget when we are not ready. For the time being, feel the feeling we need to feel. Take good care of ourselves. Build an intimate relationship with ourselves and our closest ones. Focus on improving ourselves. Focus on our growth.

And bloom.

When the time comes, we know that all that needs to be forgiven has been forgiven.

Happy journaling,

hanny
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Digital Nomad: So, You Want to Work from Anywhere in the World?

DIGITAL NOMAD LIFESTYLE: CAN THE HYPE BE JUSTIFIED?

Is this so-called lifestyle overrated? Possibly.

I think there’s a certain debonair feeling attached to the idea of being a digital nomad. Being able to work from ‘anywhere in the world’ sounds fun, young, adventurous, and carefree. But is it? Or have we seen things from a rose-tinted glass? Glamorizing and romanticizing a particular kind of lifestyle that, we believe, would make our lives better, happier, and richer?

About four years into being a location-independent creative consultant/writer, I noticed that ‘The Lifestyle’ has been strongly associated with the idea of embracing freedom, endless traveling, and making money out of the Internet (including your blog, YouTube, or Instagram).

Most recent graduates I talked to are curious about how they, too, can adopt this lifestyle. Being able to work-from-anywhere has become their ultimate life goal (that, and being in a relationship). Some of the most recurring questions I got from time to time include:

How can I get paid to travel? 

How can I find a job that will allow me to work from anywhere? 

How can I be an ‘online influencer’?

Or for those who are already employed:

Should I quit my job to travel and be a digital nomad instead?

At some point, as these questions started coming in more frequently, I began to think that maybe (just maybe), there have been some misconceptions about this location-independent lifestyle and being a digital nomad. And maybe (just maybe), I can give another perspective to the many layers of this lifestyle based on my own experience.

But before we begin, let’s make sure that we’re on the same page.

Photo by Adam Wilson on Unsplash

Here is what Wikipedia says about being a digital nomad:

Digital nomads are a type of people who use telecommunications technologies to earn a living and, more generally, conduct their lives in a nomadic manner.

Here is what Daniele said about being location-independent:

To be location independent is not about having the freedom to travel, but the freedom to be anywhere you want (or, most importantly, NEED) to be.

With these being said, if you know someone who wants to adopt the digital nomad lifestyle, or has always been aspired to build a location-independent career, feel free to share this post with them.

***

1. WHY DO YOU WANT TO WORK FROM ANYWHERE?

Do you have the need/urge to do remote work, be a digital nomad, or be location-independent? Or do you merely want the freedom to travel more or longer?

I think this is the first question that you need to ask yourself. Do you want to adopt this lifestyle only because seemingly it will give you more chance and freedom to travel—or because you have the need or the urge to do it?

There are two reasons why I’m now working as a location-independent consultant/writer.

First, after my mother passed away a few years ago, my father lives in our family house all by himself. I want to have the freedom to be with him whenever I could; or should. For instance, when he got hospitalized for a few days and had to go for a series of physiotherapy last year, being location-independent allows me to be with him when needed: preparing healthy food, accompanying him to the therapy unit, and looking after his day-to-day progress for about two months.

I could imagine how stressful it would be if I were still working full-time in a corporation. Of course, I could apply for leave, but what if workloads were crazy, or if my teammates were also on holiday? What if I would still need to commute now and then to meet clients? And is it even possible for me to take a 2-month leave without feeling (or looking) bad? I don’t know.

But being location-independent allows me to be where I need to be. It gives me more flexibility to focus on what’s important or urgent at certain moments in life.

Second, after working for more than eight years in a communications consultancy (which I loved), I started to ask where it would lead me to. My last position was the Creative Director—a post I had been dreaming of since I was still in college. So, it was only natural for me to ask, where could I go from here? What would my career ladder look like from this point onwards? Where would I be if I continue this career of choice for another 5, 10, 15 years?

I could dream of something like a Managing Director, Vice President, Regional Director of a global communications agency, or maybe an owner of my own communications consultancy or creative agency. If everything goes well (and smooth), that’s how my career ladder would finally progress.

Then, I realized one thing: I don’t want them.

The images of those positions and possibilities do not excite me. The idea of managing hundreds of people or owning a successful agency is not something that amuses me.

I merely want to create things. I want to come up with excellent write-ups or meaningful stories. I want to tell stories that matter and to do something kind. I want to teach, to share the things and skills I’ve learned throughout the years. I want to do this based on my values, my interests, and the things I believe in—together with people I like and respect.

I decided to quit my job so I can do more of the things I have always wanted to do. Being independent also gives me more opportunities to work with smaller companies, individual clients, or NGOs, that could not afford to work with big consultancies.

These are my two reasons for choosing the location-independent lifestyle. What about you? What are your reasons? What are your whys? Do you have other reasons apart from wanting to travel more?

2. DO YOU SEE TRAVELING AS A BIG PART OF REMOTE WORKING?

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Which one do you want? To work remotely and be location-independent, make a career out of traveling, or do anything as long as you can finance your travel?

Quite a lot of people I talked to would mention ‘traveling’ when asked about remote-working, being location-independent, or being a digital nomad. However, the truth is this: being location-independent or being able to work anywhere, does not mean that you have to travel regularly. You don’t. This also doesn’t mean that you have to do things that are related to traveling, like being a travel agent, travel photographer, travel writer, or travel blogger.

We’ve mentioned digital nomads before. According to the Wikipedia entry, they are the ones who live their lives in a more or less nomadic manner. They like to move from one place to the next while making a living through the Internet.

True, some digital nomads are travel bloggers or have travel-related work, but some also do other types of work that can be done as long as there’s an Internet connection. There are therapists, developers, designers, accountants, consultants, teachers, psychologists, business owners, entrepreneurs, start-up founders, personal assistants, and many more. The possibility is endless.

Being a digital nomad also doesn’t mean that you have to be a freelancer or own a business.

Many digital nomads are employed by a corporation or an organization that allows them to work remotely. Some require them to go back to their headquarters a few times a year, some don’t—but these people are more or less free to work from ‘anywhere’. Based on how good you are, the nature of your work, and the flexibility of your company or organization, remote-working can always be an option to be discussed.

On another hand, there are people who adopt a location-independent lifestyle. They might not travel or move around so much, but if they want to, they can work from ‘anywhere’ they like. For some, this means working from home or a cafe. For some, this means working from a co-working space in a foreign country, a bus station, or a secluded beach (but seriously, working with your laptop by the beach under the hot sun IS NOT nice—plus, where is the charger?).

So the idea is more on the ability to work from wherever you need or want to, not on the traveling part.

Some people are not only looking into being a digital nomad or being location independent. Some truly want to make a career out of traveling because it’s something they love or are good at. This is where all those travel-related jobs come into the picture.

Some others just want to travel—and are willing to do any work that can help to finance their travel. For instance, you’ll meet some people who do volunteer work abroad in exchange for food and accommodation. Some work as bartenders, hostel cleaners, or fruit pickers to get some money in between their travel destinations to support themselves. (I am not going to discuss the issue of legality here).

The question would be, which one do you want?

3. DO YOU HAVE THE MEANS TO SUPPORT YOURSELF?

digital nomad

Do you know the risks of choosing this lifestyle? Do you have enough savings and skills to start doing this? Do you have the right attitude to approach the lifestyle? Do you have a plan? Do you have a backup plan?

If you want to be a digital nomad or simply be location-independent (where you can work from ‘anywhere’) there’s one thing we need to clarify: before talking about being able to work from ‘anywhere’, first, you need to make sure that you CAN work, from wherever you are.

The thing is, as fun as it seems, being a digital nomad or being location-independent is not about beautiful Instagram pictures or slouching in bed with nighties and watching Netflix at 11 AM. Sure, it’s part of the deal—maybe 10% of the time if you’re lucky (or if you are an Instagram celebrity). The other 90% is similar to any typical working-class out there: work, peeking into your savings account, thinking about how to pay your bills, handling complaints, fixing problems, improving your skills and systems, and more work.

If you’re a freelancer, add up to this list more time, work, and energy to find clients, send offers or proposals, and go out networking to let people know that you (and your products/services) exist.

So, on the bottom line, this lifestyle is still about work. The question is not about how you can adopt a location-independent lifestyle. The question is: WHAT can you DO to adopt a location-independent lifestyle?

Do you have particular skills, attitudes, networks, or work experiences that will allow you to work from wherever you like? When you are not under close supervision, can you still give your best at work? When you can be flexible with your working hour, can you be disciplined about it? When you do not have your colleagues or partners next to you to discuss or brainstorm ideas, can you manage?

Especially if you are a freelancer without a fixed monthly salary, have enough savings before transitioning into this lifestyle. I would say that the ideal amount would be at least 3-4 months of your basic needs—enough to fulfil your monthly bills and responsibilities for a while.

I don’t like it when being a digital nomad or being location-independent is associated with being a burden for someone else, being childish, reckless, careless, or selfish. It shouldn’t be.

That’s why, apart from having enough savings, you also need to create a backup plan. What will happen if, after six months or a year, a location-independent lifestyle is not something you enjoy?

Sure, if you are employed, you might be able to go back to work from your company’s headquarter. But for freelancers, this could be even more challenging. How fast do you think you can find other jobs when the clock is ticking? Do you have a well-enough reputation that people will open their doors to give you work opportunities at the time when you most needed it?

Do you have other plans if things don’t go the way you want them to be?

I transitioned into my location-independent lifestyle with the compensation I got when I left my previous company (after eight years of service) and having the company as my 1-year retainer client. This means I know that—if everything’s okay—I will be quite well-off for about a year. Plus, I will still get monthly payments from my retainer client for at least another year.

There’s nothing reckless or careless about my decision, and I think neither should yours.

4. WILL WORK-FROM-ANYWHERE IMPROVE YOUR QUALITY OF LIFE?

healthy food

How can you be a better professional or a better individual by doing this? How does it contribute to your quality of life and your career?

One of the reasons why a location-independent lifestyle suits me is because it improves the quality of different aspects of my life.

Working from home; when I am back in my family house in Bogor, enables me to spend some time with my father and my dog.

Working from Ubud—my second base when I’m in Bali, enables me easy access to beautiful views and the opportunity to live close to Nature; surrounded by a plethora of healthy and mindful stuff—from food and exercises to organic products and social activities. I can also benefit from the fact that Bali is an hour ahead of Jakarta, which means I am always 1 hour ahead of my clients. When I am up and ready at 10 AM, replying to emails or submitting some documents, office hours for my clients in Jakarta had just started.

For similar or even better quality than Jakarta, prices for memberships in co-working spaces, accommodation, as well as food and beverages are significantly lower. This means I can save more while enjoying a better quality of life in general. Although Ubud was relatively quiet, it is still quite near to big cities like Denpasar—where I can fix my gadgets or laptops when necessary.

Another reason why I choose Ubud, Bali, as my base and Hubud as my co-working space is because it provides me with a vibrant and creative ecosystem where I can meet people, discuss, collaborate, and learn some new skills from other members.

To be honest, when it comes to focused work and meeting deadlines, I love doing solitary work from my rented house. I work best alone, so I don’t work from the co-working space on a daily basis. But I still need a community of like-minded people to function.

It can be uninspiring at times when you’re always working solo. It’s important for me to bounce ideas with different people and learn about other people’s perspectives. It keeps my mind curious, intrigued, and active. It keeps me up-to-date with what’s happening in the world. Inspiring talks, skillshare, and events organized by co-working spaces are always fun because they provide me with ideas I could apply in my next projects—or even in my personal life.

On another note, being location-independent also enables me to provide more corporate training or workshop outside Jakarta when needed, without having to worry about travel time or having to leave ‘the office’ for too long. It also gives me more opportunities to join classes, courses, or workshops on writing or crafting, even when they happen on a weekday, during office hours.

Since I am also in a long-distance relationship, being location-independent gives me more flexibility to spend some quality time with my partner. It helps that he is also a location-independent entrepreneur, so we don’t have to rely on the number of our leave days to meet up.

So, for me, a location-independent lifestyle merely works because it improves my quality of life. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for?

For some, however, a location-independent lifestyle could—on the contrary—decrease their quality of life.

Some people could be so happy to finally be able to work from home but end up frustrated because working from home gives them too many distractions. Children are crying or seeking attention, a salesperson is knocking on the door, something spills on the kitchen floor and they just have to clean things up. Since working from home doesn’t work, they allocate some time to go out and work from a coffee shop instead, only to realize that they have spent more time and money every day on driving down to the coffee shop, buying coffee, and paying for gas and parking. These are the time and expenses they thought they wouldn’t be spending when they are working from home.

Working from “anywhere in the world” can also pose a few logistical complexities. How do you know where to get healthcare if you’re working in a completely different country for a few weeks? What about prescriptions and other must-haves that you’ve grown comfortable with? Although with the Internet we can get everything from medicine to something as random as Versace eyeglasses in just a few clicks, these problems will eventually catch up. To be honest,  some things in the world are just a lot easier when you have a stable residence: sending and receiving packages, upgrading your Internet speed, sorting stuff out with your banks, paying taxes, contacting an accountant… 

Familiarity and convenience aren’t bad things. So, just know that this can go out the window if you move to a different location to work on a regular basis.

When you’re working from another city or country, do ask yourself whether you have chosen a place that can improve your quality of life and fit your lifestyle. If being location-independent only makes you even more stressed, worrisome, and miserable, what is the point?

5. ARE YOU READY FOR THE HARD WORK?

Can you develop self-discipline and daily habits to support this lifestyle? Can you still meet your roles and responsibilities at home or at work?

Freedom can be an advantage or a disadvantage. Some things flourish when they are given a lot of freedom; others might perish. What about you? Are you ready for the hard work despite the freedom and flexibility you will have when you can work from ‘anywhere’ in the world?

Once, I was assigned to be a host on a fam trip that invited some local and international travel bloggers. For those of you who think that being a professional travel blogger is fantastic, think again. Throughout the trip, I realized that I could never be a professional travel blogger.

These travel bloggers had to stick to a too-packed itinerary, sometimes only get a 4-hour sleep before hopping on a 6-hour bus ride, then off for the second flight of the day. At each destination, they needed to take pictures, record videos, fly a drone, listen to the guide’s explanations, and write down some information for their blog post. On the bus, the boat, or the plane, they started transferring and editing their pictures and videos, because they needed to post something every single day. They had to try foods they didn’t like, visit places they were scared of, or get involved in activities they hated.

But work is work.

I, myself, instantly passed out every time I saw the hotel’s bed. I stole some sleep on the bus, the boat, or the plane whenever I could. Those travel bloggers? They worked. I was amazed at their stamina and dedication. I wouldn’t be able to do that.

I am the kind of ‘travel blogger’ who goes on a journey somewhere and write about it three years later, then taking pictures from a stock photo website because I have accidentally deleted the travel-picture folder on my laptop.

So no matter how ‘glorious’ it might seem, work is work. Hard work is hard work.

And just because you’re a digital nomad or a location-independent worker, it doesn’t mean that you can ditch your roles and responsibilities—both at home or at work. Faraway doesn’t mean non-existent. Just because you can still be in pyjamas at 11 in the morning (lazying around with a bag of chips), doesn’t mean you should. Just because now you have the freedom (and hopefully, the means) to travel anywhere and anytime you like, doesn’t mean you would.

***

Now that you have come to the end of this post, is being location-independent still sound promising to you?

I think it’s human nature to think that the grass is greener on the other side. The truth is, there are many miserable digital nomads and struggling location-independent workers around. On the contrary, some of my closest friends are thriving and having fun climbing the corporate ladder in multi-national companies.

Here’s the thing: if you can’t be happy working from where you are right now, most probably, you will find something to be unhappy about when working from anywhere else. Just make sure that you have prepared yourself and answered the five questions above truthfully before making the jump to adopt a location-independent lifestyle.

Because truly being location-independent means you are always your independent self, wherever you are.

PS: If you have more questions about being a digital nomad or a location-independent lifestyle, feel free to drop me an email here.
hanny
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What to Do When You’re Feeling Distressed: A 3-Step Listing Exercise

Reader’s Email:

I’m far from happy working in a cubicle and I feel strangled. I’m in limbo. There are things I want to do for the future that will make me happier. I just wish I could find the courage inside of me to get out of this limbo, pursue my passion, and roll the dice.

— A.S.

***

A 3-step listing exercise

There’s an exercise I usually do when I’m rolling in distress, feeling dissatisfied, or struggling with uneasiness.

Here’s the thing: sometimes we don’t really know exactly what caused us this distress, dissatisfaction, or uneasiness. Not knowing, sometimes, lead us to further distress.

Thus, the first step I do at this stage is to list down the probable causes of my distress.

Step 1. Create the HATE list.

When I am in limbo (to me this means: not really knowing what’s wrong, but at the same time knowing that something is wrong), I take a piece of paper and a pen, then start listing down the things that make me feel unhappy, uncomfortable or stressed.

Sometimes, this is a shortlist–and other times, a really long one. I list down everything: things I dislike or even ‘hate’. Things I’ve been worrying about. Things that have been bugging my mind. What stresses me out? What makes me feel dissatisfied and uneasy?

But the idea is not about creating an endless stream-of-consciousness journal.

The idea is simply to create a list:

For instance:

  • I hate being trapped in a 9-to-5 routine.
  • I am worried about my parents’ health.
  • I am angry at myself because I feel unproductive.
  • I hate last-minute cancellations.

Step 2. Translate the HATE list into a LOVE list.

When I feel like I have no more things to say, I stop writing and look at my list. There, I can see all the things I hate, I dislike. Things that stress me out, that makes me feel angry, depleted, or unhappy.

But the truth is this: what we hate actually tells us more about what we love.

If you hate injustice, maybe it means you love fairness. If you hate people who lie, maybe it means you love openness and honesty.

So, when we said we hate the 9-to-5 routine, for instance, what is it that we actually love?

Maybe hating the 9-to-5 routine means we love spontaneity or adventure. For some people, hating the 9-to-5 routine means they wish to have more variety in the work they do. For some, this means they simply need a rest, a holiday, a break, the ability to work from anywhere in the world, or a few days in a week to wake up later than usual. For others, this means they would love to have a job that gives them a sense of purpose, or a new challenge.

>>> Related post: How to Make Decisions, Especially When It’s Difficult

 

Although it might seem that we ‘hate’ the same thing, each one may translate to a different kind of love on the opposite side.

Everyone is different. So, the next step is to turn each sentence in our ‘hate’ list into a ‘love’ list.

For instance:

  • I hate being trapped in a 9-to-5 routine >> I love having the flexibility to work from anywhere in the world
  • I am worried about my parents’ health >> I love knowing that my parents are healthy
  • I am angry at myself because I feel unproductive >> I love the feeling when I can finish a personal project
  • I hate last-minute cancellations >> I love having online meetings because any cancellations won’t waste too much of my time

Notice that the ‘love’ list is the way I translated the ‘hate’ list. You might translate the ‘hate’ list into a different kind of ‘love’ list.

Step 3. Turn the LOVE list into a list of SMALLEST ACTION.


All of us can make plans for the future: if I have this, I can be happier. If I am that, I can be better.

Making future plans is good (I love making plans!) but most of the time, we are also making up excuses along the way. I cannot do it right now because of this and that. I need to get this and that first, only then I can follow through with my plan. We all know how it ends: the plan stays being a plan.

Why? Because the action we need to take is too big. Because the action we need to take is too far away from our current situation, condition, and limitation. So, now, looking at my LOVE list, I ask myself: how can I get more of these things I love into my life, no matter how small, with the situation and condition I am in right now?

For instance:

  • I love having the flexibility to work from anywhere in the world. Of course, an ideal action plan could be quitting my job and be a freelancer. But this is big and risky. The smallest action I can do at the moment with my situation and condition would probably >> Work on my passion project for 3 hours this weekend from a place that inspires me. This is something I know I can do, and I can commit to.
  • I love knowing that my parents are healthy >> Cook only vegetable dishes for Dad tomorrow.
  • I love the feeling when I can finish a personal project >> Make a 6-line poem and publish it on Facebook tonight.
  • I love having online meetings because any cancellations won’t waste too much of my time >> Always ask the client to do a meeting via Skype or phone call first.

I think you got the idea.

List down the smallest action you can do, immediately. It should be too small to the point that you can’t really make excuses for NOT doing it. If you’re still NOT doing it, make the action even smaller!

How it helps me

In my case, when I started freelancing after leaving my corporate job a few years ago, I was surprised to find myself feeling low and unhappy. It was confusing. Wasn’t this my ideal kind of working condition? To work from anywhere, to work with clients I like, to work on projects I am inspired with? Then, why did I feel distressed?

As I was doing the 3-step exercise, I realized that I was worried because I no longer have a ‘safe’ monthly income. I hated to feel uncertain, unprotected and insecure. I was uneasy with what might happen if I was sick and couldn’t work for a while because I no longer have the health insurance benefit my old company used to provide me with.

I love to feel safe and protected. I love to feel supported. I love to feel at ease.

Some of the smallest actions I chose to do in the following months:

  • Bought the cheapest health insurance I could afford.
  • Say the affirmation “I AM SUPPORTED” 15x before bed tonight.
  • Have no-shopping day once a week so I can save more.
  • Eat more fruits and vegetables.
  • Watch a course on meditation on YouTube,
  • and more small actions follow in the upcoming month.

Buying cheap health insurance was actually the very first thing I did after making my list. The feeling when I got back home with my insurance policy was amazing. I felt so light and happy as if part of my burden and happiness had been lifted up. Just by doing this simple act, I felt instantly better.

Does this mean I am 100% safe, protected, supported, and at ease?
Of course not.

But that feeling of satisfaction when I knew I have done something (no matter how small) to get closer to the kind of life I want to experience, is enough to drastically reduce my distress, worries, and uneasiness.

I wish you could feel that feeling, too.

PS: Feel free to let me know if this exercise works for you, too. You can also email me here if you like to share some of your personal/professional stories 🙂
hanny
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Will Traveling Make Me Happy?

No. I don’t think so.

I think traveling, especially when you’re traveling alone to someplace far away, will only enhance whatever feeling you’re feeling at that particular moment.

The thing is this: our feelings can be expressed through different outlets.

Those who are sad can wrap themselves up in a blanket or go out to party all night long. Those who are angry can punch a wall, swear on the top of their lungs, plot a revenge, or make a painting with black ink.

The thing is when we travel, our feelings stay the same.
Most of the times, it is our outlet of expression that shifts.

When we are sad, traveling won’t actually make us instantly happier. But being in a new place, meeting new people, or forced to be in an unfamiliar situation, enables us to navigate our sadness differently. We are still sad, but we are channeling our sadness in a different way–a way that may not come to us naturally.

And this is what, most of the times, feel like happiness.

But is it possible to travel sad and come home happy?

Sure, it is.

However, instead of focusing on ‘how to be happy’, maybe we need to focus on ‘how to be sad’ instead. Sadness, or other ‘uncomfortable’ feelings such as disappointment, anger, or shame, is present to build us up as a person. They are present because we need them in our lives. They exist to impart a wisdom, a lesson, a message–but most of the times, we are so eager to push them aside so as not to feel them entirely, simply because we’re too focused on the neverending chase of the so-called ‘happiness’.

Many things masquerade themselves as ‘happiness’–or the feeling of contentment.

Well, ‘masquerading’ may not even be the exact word, because when we’re giving enough time for the less comfortable feelings to be processed internally, sometimes those feelings find their most appropriate outlets of expression, and transform into a more comfortable feeling, like happiness, contentment, fulfilment, peace, or even pride.

A few years ago, I attended a talk by Dr. Dave Logan about how to feel your anger and use this feeling to ‘unleash your dark side‘. Think of your favorite superhero movie: a lot of superheroes use their anger or sadness as fuels to do something good: something that is much bigger than themselves.

Valiant Budi, a good friend, befriended his sadness, depression, confusion, and pain as he was recovering from a brain hemorrhage, through writing. Recently, he published a novel called Forgotten Colors, where the main character who suffered a hemorrhagic stroke is trying to make sense of the world around him as he grapples the space between imagination and reality.

Writing is also my outlet of expression.

It helps me to process the less comfortable feelings inside of me, and an outlet I am comfortable to use when giving self-discovery retreats, classes, or workshops. For this reason, when I was sad, angry, disappointed, or lost and decided to travel, I would travel to a secluded place where I could write without interruption.

But sometimes, my feelings find different outlets of expression, too.

I told my friend once about this, “When I’m sad, I don’t travel to be happy. I only travel to be sad somewhere else.”

Traveling alone, for me, is not an escapism; not in a sense that I am running away from whatever feeling I am feeling at the moment.

Traveling, for me, is a way to let those feelings in (not out), completely.

It is a way for me to process those feelings clearly–without having to be interrupted or compromised with prior commitments, work meetings, house chores, daily habits, or well-meaning friends wanting to take me out to ‘have some fun’.

Being surrounded by unfamiliar things when we travel forces us to find a different outlet for expression to channel our feelings. When I travel, instead of writing, sometimes the outlet turns into meditating, reading, practicing yoga, joining art workshops, walking by the beach, or even working on a new passion project.

We can feel okay being sad, angry, hurt, or disappointed–when we can find constructive outlets of expression, instead of destructive ones.

And sometimes, traveling to an unfamiliar place, force us to find those constructive outlets of expression, that in return, makes us feel okay, happy, or even content.

It’s not about pushing the feeling away. It’s about feeling the feeling until it becomes love (or at least, something closer to love).

hanny
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How to Make Decisions (Especially When It’s Difficult).

Making decisions is not easy, at least, not for me (speaking from experience).

Having to pick only one from two (or many) options available, we are often hit by a wave of doubts and confusion. To me, the act of deciding becomes increasingly difficult when the stake is high, and the options are both good: when the list of pros and cons between the two is more or less a draw.

How to determine which path to take, then?

These past few years, I have used these 3 methods to help me make difficult decisions:

  1. I ask myself, what would I do if I were not afraid.
  2. I ask myself, which decision would take me closer to my idea of an ideal self and an ideal life.
  3. I listen to the way my body reacts and responds to the available options.

1. What would you do if you were not afraid?

This is my favorite question to work on when I’m considering something difficult.

Often, the reason we ‘choose’ one thing over another is simple: because the other one feels more secure, more certain, more comfortable, or more stable. And there’s nothing wrong with it, really, if security, certainty, comfort, and stability are the things you truly want in life.

The question is: is this what we truly want, or we choose this option simply because we are afraid?

Maybe we’re afraid of not being good enough, not brave enough, not creative enough, not spontaneous enough, and the list goes on. Although deep down we know we’re attracted to the second option, sometimes fear forces us NOT to choose it; and we settle for the first option, instead. Which feels… safer.

But if success is guaranteed, if both choices will deliver similar successful results, which one would you pick?

Regardless of which option we’ll end up taking, or what decisions we’ll end up making, it is always wise to ask ourselves this question first: if I were not afraid, what would I do? Which option tugs at my heartstrings? Which option makes me feel light and joyful?

When we noticed that we have one decision that is more appealing to us; and the fear creeps in, ask again: where does this fear actually coming from? Why do we fear the things we fear? Are there things we can do to overcome this fear?

For example, let’s say we know we’ve always wanted to enroll in an art school. But we are afraid because enrolling in an art school full-time also means that we need to quit our job; because our job takes too much time and energy. However, if we stop working, then how can we meet our daily needs and support our family?

Now that we’ve looked closer, we know exactly what we are afraid of. The good news is this: once fear is defined, it loses half of its power. Now we can look fear right in the eye and make a plan to eliminate it.

Can we enroll in an art school on a part-time basis? Or are we able to enroll in an art school full-time, and secure a part-time job that is less demanding? Can we sell some of the goods we have at home to add up to our savings account when we’re studying in art school?

2. What’s your idea of an ideal self, and an ideal life?

Each one of us cherishes an idea of an ideal self and an ideal life–one we’ve always dreamed about. Our ideal self is how we imagine ourselves to be when we have reached our maximum potentials: we’re happy, content, healthy, productive. Our work is fulfilling. Or we experience the things we love, or we are confident, or brave.

What would your ideal self be like? And what kind of ideal life you’ll be living every day?

Yes, let’s imagine it for a while. Because what the mind conceives, the mind achieves, they said.

So, if we can be our ideal self and live our ideal life, the one we’ve always dreamed about, what life would be like today?

What kind of person are we?
Where do we live? Who lives with us?
What do we do every day, from the moment we wake up to the moment we fell asleep?
What are the fun things we experience in our ideal life?
What are the good things we can do for the people around us?
What kind of life we’d be living if we don’t care about other people’s judgments?

Having ‘seen’ this ideal self and ideal life, now look at the options available to us. Then ask ourselves: which option will actually take me one inch closer to my vision of an ideal life?

Again, regardless of what decision we will eventually make, questioning our options this way will make us aware of one thing: do we, every day, consciously making decisions (no matter how small) that will bring us closer to our ideal life?

3. Listen to your body.

I believe that our body is always communicating with us.

It tells us when we are full; although sometimes we keep eating because the food is so good. The body also tells us when we are tired and need some rest, even though our mind still forces it to work overtime. The body tells us when we feel angry, sad, or happy, and we can ‘hear’ it through the sensations of heat, cold, weight, lightness, or other physical reactions that come up when we’re experiencing those emotions.

Have you ever seen someone you have a crush on walking towards you? What would your physical reaction be like? Maybe you sit upright, you feel your heart pounding, you feel excited, your eyes widened, and a smile lights up your face just like that. You ‘feel’ your eyes shining or sparkling, though you may not be able to see your own eyes when this happens.

But have you ever seen someone you have been trying to avoid walking towards you? What would your physical reaction be like? It must be so different from the previous reaction.

So, watch closely and recognize the way our body is communicating with us: how does our body react when we are angry, happy, scared, disappointed, sad, excited, bored, nervous, or in love?

Now, when we’re about to make decisions, take a look at the options available to us. Read the options one by one. We can also associate ourselves with that choice when we’re reading it out loud. For example, we can say: “I keep working for this company for another year!” and then “I enroll in this art school and study art for a year!”

Try saying each option repeatedly, out loud, to ourselves: then notice how our body reacts to each statement.

Which option makes our body feels heavy, or shrink, which one makes the mind feels blurry, the eyes feel rather hot? Which option makes our body feel light and open, the mind feels calm, the eyes feel clear?

Or, examine our bodily reaction once again: what kind of physical reactions we have when we are bored, or when we are excited? Try matching these bodily reactions to each option: which option makes the body react as if it were bored, and which option makes the body react energetically?

Which option gives the sensation of pleasure, and which option gives a sense of disappointment?

If there’s one thing I learned about making a decision, it’s this: there is no right decision or wrong decision.

Decisions are just the many paths we choose to travel in, with all the views, stories, people, experiences, possibilities, challenges, and consequences along the way.

Every decision we take will certainly add up to our life experience and teach us one or two things about life. So this is not about making the right decision, or avoid the potential for making the wrong decision.

It is about making decisions consciously, and clearly. About paying close attention to why we choose one option and not another. To know ourselves. To know that whatever decisions we take, in the end, we take them consciously, by listening to ourselves, by listening to our heart.

By being honest.

Love,

PS: What was the most difficult decision you’ve ever made?

hanny
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On Losing and Moving On.

Losing ‘Someone’

A few years ago, when I was nursing a vicious heartbreak, I stumbled upon a mother-daughter dialogue in a young adult novel. They were arguing about the daughter’s boyfriend. I couldn’t remember the title and the exact conversation, but it goes more or less like this:

Daughter: But he is my WHOLE world!
Mother: NEVER said that about anyone, ever! Not even me!

And something suddenly clicks.

I have lost people I love–either we grew apart, or we were ‘dimensionally’ parted when they passed away. What follows was a period of mourning a loss and a struggle to move on.

Losing the ‘Feelings’

I started to learn that often times, we’re not just losing ‘someone’. We’re losing the feeling of being with that someone. We’re losing the feeling we have attached to this individual. Thus, when we lost that someone, we were deprived of whatever feelings we have attached to that person.

When my mother passed away, I lost a best friend, a sense of security, a sense of direction… a support system. At other times, when ‘losing a boyfriend’, I lost the feeling of being loved and wanted, a dream… my confidence, joy, source of inspiration.

Now I know why the mother in the young adult novel said that you can’t make someone your WHOLE world. Because then we are making that person responsible for providing us all those feelings we want to feel. We make that person responsible for our WHOLE LIFE.

People go in and out of our lives. And when we put our whole life in the hand of one person, when that person is gone, we would lose our whole life as well. This is when it’s the hardest to move on because we are grieving a massive kind of loss.

Moving On

These past few years, I learned not to put my eggs in one basket. I tried to get the feeling I want to feel from different people in different places, by doing different things.

More importantly, I learned how to grow these feelings I want to feel internally.

We need to cultivate the feelings we want to feel ourselves; instead of waiting for someone to give them to us. This is how we nurture our heart: by creating those feelings and growing them back when we lost them along the way.

 

hanny
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In Search of the Perfect Place: “The Perfect Place Is the Place You Commit To.”

Perfect Place: Wanted.

We’ve been looking for ‘the perfect place’ since we could remember, either consciously or subconsciously. We know such a place doesn’t exist, but we’re looking for it anyway, thinking that there must be something close to perfect somewhere, out there. It may not be perfect for everyone, but it could be perfect for us. Even its imperfection would be just perfect.

Perfect Place
Lazy Cat. A cozy cafe in Ubud.

When I was a little girl, I could not wait for the weekends. Weekends meant a trip to the swimming pool, to the mountains, to the bookstore, to the corner of the street. When I was an adult and had to slay an office job 9-to-5, I could not wait for the weekends. Weekends meant a trip to nowhere but a whole day of reading books and munching chips in bed.

When I’m traveling, I’m missing the comfort and familiarity of being home. When I’m home, I’m missing the excitement and adventure of exploring new territory.

***

My Perfect Place and Yours Can Be Both Different and Similar.

We’ve been looking for ‘the perfect place’ since we could remember, either consciously or subconsciously. We know such a place doesn’t exist, but we’re looking for it anyway, thinking that there must be something close to perfect somewhere, out there.

Our perfect place may differ: from a new house, a job, a spouse, a dress, a state of mind, a circle of friends, an office, a childhood memory, a lost love, a wedding, a family… but we’re all looking for it because we’re craving for the same feeling: the feeling of being in a perfect place; or the feeling we thought we would feel about it.

The feeling of being.
The feeling of settling in, delightfully.
The feeling of snuggling in, safely.
The feeling of knowing that this is enough.

I was back in Ubud a few days ago from the Philippines and got invited by a friend, Gianluca, to dinner. We had a barbecue on his porch and I spent the night learning how to keep the coconut charcoal burning by blowing them with a hair dryer. A few hours later, we started talking about our future plans. He told me that he’s been thinking to move to Barcelona and making the city his base.

“I want to find a place where I can stay and build my own house. That’s my dream, to build my own house,” he said. He’s been working and living in some other countries for some time, before ending up in Ubud. We talked about how Barcelona could be a better deal; a better place; a better option; a ‘perfect place’.

At the end, he shrugged and said, “You know, a perfect place is any place you commit to.”

I told him that it’s a Tweetable quote, and tweeted it away.

***

The Perfect Place to Commit.

We’ve been looking for ‘the perfect place’ since we could remember, either consciously or subconsciously. We know such a place doesn’t exist, but we’re looking for it anyway, thinking that there must be something close to perfect somewhere, out there.

There were many instances in life where I had been thrown into ‘imperfect places‘. Places I would want to run away from, places I would want to turn my back from, places I would want to forget. But during those times, I did not. I did not run away, I did not turn my back away, I did not forget. I stayed.

I, either consciously or unconsciously, committed.
Or chose to commit.
To put an effort through the hardships, the heartaches, the tears, the struggles…

Until I’ve given my best.
Until I’ve had enough.
Until it was time to leave.

We may think that we haven’t found our perfect place yet, but who knows maybe right now, some of us actually have. Here, right where we are.

Because a perfect place could look bright and sunny, easy-going and friendly, adventurous and interesting, vibrant and flowing, but the perfect place could also look grim. It could look like hard work and a sharp tongue. It could look dull and boring. It could look too stressful and too fast-paced.

And still, it could be the perfect place for us to mold ourselves. To hone our skills. To develop a thicker skin, creativity, a sense of compassion, or an appreciation of beauty.

Maybe a perfect place is about choosing what, where, and who to commit to–and make the most out of it.

Maybe a perfect place is about continuously finding balance between where we are and where we want to be–and to be okay in between.

hanny
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Hi. I'm HANNY
I am an Indonesian writer/artist/illustrator and stationery web shop owner (Cafe Analog) based in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. I love facilitating writing/creative workshops and retreats, especially when they are tied to self-exploration and self-expression. In Indonesian, 'beradadisini' means being here. So, here I am, documenting life—one word at a time.

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