He called me up on February 9th, while I was in the middle of an important press conference.

I said “Hang on, may I call you back some other times? I’m so damn busy at the moment. I’ll call you later on, OK?”
Today is March 10th, and I haven’t called him back. I have turned into a person I use to hate. An ignorant one. After almost a month of sleepless nights, my insanity started to suffer from what I called “the guilty-feeling effect”.

It’s just that … at the moment … I’m not in the mood of making friends with anyone. I smile because I have to, not because I want to. I talk to people with enthusiasm because I’m conditioned in a situation where I have to do such stuff. I have no other choice but pretending to be the girl who loves everyone, the girl who doesn’t mind to do anything … I’m in a masquerade.

My head is too heavy. I haven’t been able to rest my mind since … I don’t know … 2 months ago? I need to have some time with myself, just doing nothing. I haven’t got a chance to walk in the Botanical Garden and think. I haven’t feed my soul with the tranquility inside the Orchid House. I haven’t got enough time listening to Yiruma and writing my diary.

I’m running out of time–I can’t even enjoy my lovely sip of hot chocolate or tea before I went to sleep. I want to slow things down. I want to realize the fact that I’m still breathing. I want to be with my friends again–dreaming about a life we’re about to begin …

I’m getting sick of what I become. I’ll be gone for a while. I just need to find myself again.


If you made it this, far, please say 'hi'. It really means a lot to me! :)

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Legs and Apples
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Hanny illustrator
I am an Indonesian writer/artist/illustrator and stationery web shop owner (Cafe Analog) based in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. I love facilitating writing/creative workshops and retreats, especially when they are tied to self-exploration and self-expression. In Indonesian, 'beradadisini' means being here. So, here I am, documenting life—one word at a time.