He called me up on February 9th, while I was in the middle of an important press conference.

I said “Hang on, may I call you back some other times? I’m so damn busy at the moment. I’ll call you later on, OK?”
Today is March 10th, and I haven’t called him back. I have turned into a person I use to hate. An ignorant one. After almost a month of sleepless nights, my insanity started to suffer from what I called “the guilty-feeling effect”.

It’s just that … at the moment … I’m not in the mood of making friends with anyone. I smile because I have to, not because I want to. I talk to people with enthusiasm because I’m conditioned in a situation where I have to do such stuff. I have no other choice but pretending to be the girl who loves everyone, the girl who doesn’t mind to do anything … I’m in a masquerade.

My head is too heavy. I haven’t been able to rest my mind since … I don’t know … 2 months ago? I need to have some time with myself, just doing nothing. I haven’t got a chance to walk in the Botanical Garden and think. I haven’t feed my soul with the tranquility inside the Orchid House. I haven’t got enough time listening to Yiruma and writing my diary.

I’m running out of time–I can’t even enjoy my lovely sip of hot chocolate or tea before I went to sleep. I want to slow things down. I want to realize the fact that I’m still breathing. I want to be with my friends again–dreaming about a life we’re about to begin …

I’m getting sick of what I become. I’ll be gone for a while. I just need to find myself again.


If you made it this, far, please say 'hi'. It really means a lot to me! :)

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Screenshot 2022-12-08 at 12.43.17
This year, I learned to accept the days when I don't feel motivated, tired, or a bit grumpy. I learned to allow myself to sit with this feeling instead of feeling guilty about it and forcing myself to be productive, socialize, or just get things done.
Photo by Georgia de Lotz on Unsplash
In the end, self-care is not always about doing the things that make us feel good or give us instant gratification. It's also about doing the RIGHT thing: something that is good for us in the long run—even if it may feel hard at times.
Hanny illustrator
I am an Indonesian writer and an artist/illustrator based in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. I love facilitating writing/creative workshops and retreats, especially when they are tied to self-exploration and self-expression. In Indonesian, 'beradadisini' means being here. So, here I am, documenting life—one word at a time.