With those white dots of anti-acne cream scattered all over my face, I sat in front of the mirror and took a glimpse of my past lives.

The mirror did show my reflection: a sleepy girl in her panda-pajamas, with this puzzled expression upon her face.

But this wasn’t the only thing I saw. In fact, my reflection went blur and I was looking at myself 14 years ago.

AGE 8.

I love to read, and I write short stories all day long. I have this special book filled with my grammatically incorrect writings and unfinished mystery novel. And I have a clear picture in my head: I’m going to be a writer someday, and I’m going to publish a book with my name on the cover.

My perfect day is going to a bookstore with mum. She uses to leave me there while she went out shopping for groceries. I can spend hours there, being amazed. My dream is to have a bedroom inside a bookstore. That will be the coolest thing ever! I will be able to read all kind of books all day long for the rest of my life…! Awesome!

The greatest feeling of all feelings is: the feeling you felt when you got 100 in a school test and your mum told you that she would give you some money to buy one thing you’ve been craving for. (I’ll buy a book, for sure)

I went to the kitchen and made myself a cup of coffee. I knew it was going to be a long night—and probably I won’t be able to sleep tight. I just knew it by heart. I opened the fridge to see if there was something interesting to be eaten.

Apparently, my mum had made a strawberry sponge pudding with milk sauce. Fully armed with a cup of coffee and a slice of sponge pudding, I went back to my bedroom and sat in front of my bookshelves. I saw all my diaries… and it came to my mind; how fascinating it was to have your whole life documented in 9 different diaries. That you could actually went back to see yourself in your past and realized how much you have evolved since then…

AGE 13.

Life is so fun and simple. I have some great friends with whom I spend most of my time: hanging out at the music studio—and share this dream that one day we will share our music with the whole world. Playing basketball under the rain is the coolest thing ever. Learning how to play guitar is extremely important! And all problems can always be solved with a medium-sized pizza and a bowl of ice cream. And being in love is addictive. I am in love… my first love: he is perfect. It is impossible for me to stop falling in love with this guy!

The greatest feeling of all feelings is: the feeling you felt if a guy you had a crush on told you how much he loves you.

AGE 17.

I miss those days when all problems could always be solved with a medium-sized pizza and a bowl of ice cream. To love someone who doesn’t love you back is awful. I feel worthless. Probably I’m not pretty enough, not aggressive enough, not cute enough. Am I deserves to be loved?

Nobody loves me. I have a boyfriend—but probably he wants to be my boyfriend because he doesn’t have another choice but me. In fact, I am always in love with another guy—the same guy who had hypnotized me since I was 13. Why should I fall in love if it hurts like hell? There is no such thing as a perfect day.

The greatest feeling of all feelings is: the feeling you felt if you could freeze the time and stay numb forever.

AGE 22.

University life is full of pleasant surprises. I love the lecturers and enjoying the whole classes. I don’t have thousands of secret admirers, but I am surprised to know that I have some. I don’t dated anyone, but I do meet some guys casually and hang out with them every once and a while. I don’t have a boyfriend, but it doesn’t matter at all. I have fun with my friends: going out for clubbing, shopping, staying in a friend’s villa, or simply eating roti bakar at SARAS while sharing our miserable love stories.

I can’t believe how stupid I was, falling in love with that guy from my past. He’s not worth it! What was I thinking? I have a life of my own, many dreams to realize, a career to pursue… All things will be placed in order eventually. I mean ALL things. Including love. It will come my way surprisingly. I’m sure of it.

The greatest feeling of all feelings is: the feeling you felt when you’re able to love yourself the way you are.

My eyes felt heavy. I crept into my bed and rested my head on the pillow. I put my feet under the blanket to make it warm—and turned my cell phone into silent mode. The last thing that crossed my mind before I dozed off was: My life is not perfect, but it’s enough.

And I just knew that no matter how long the night would be, eventually I would be able to sleep tight and having a perfect dream. As always.

hanny

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Do you often find yourself feeling guilty about taking some time to rest? "We all need rest, not because it makes us more productive at our jobs, but because it makes us happier, healthier, more well-rounded people," wrote Homan.
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While most of us think of the past as something that happens behind us and the future lies ahead of us, for the Aymara people, it's the other way around. The Aymara people see the past as something that lies ahead of us, and the future as something that lies behind us.
Hanny illustrator
Hi. I'm HANNY
I'm a published writer and a writing/creative workshop facilitator based in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. In Indonesian, 'beradadisini' means being here. So, here I am, documenting life—one word at a time.

hanny

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