strangers waiting.

Sesungguhnya, kamu cukup menjenguk aku sekali-sekali. Menengok dari balik jendela yang terbuka, atau melompat-lompat di sepanjang dock komputer portabelku. Kamu cukup bilang hai satu kali—diikuti tanda titik dua dan kurung tutup, dan aku sudah punya cukup energi untuk bisa tersenyum seharian. Nggak peduli seberat apapun hari yang barusan aku lalui, ketika kamu bertanya how’s-your-day, aku jujur waktu menjawab: it’s wonderful!

Kalaupun kamu sedang sibuk-sibuknya sehingga nggak sempat menjengukku, aku sudah cukup merasa senang, kok, kalau bisa melihat kamu bermain-main di sisi sebelah sana. Mendengarkan kamu bicara dengan orang-orang di sekelilingmu. Melihatmu pergi ke tempat-tempat yang belum pernah aku datangi. Memandangi kamu diam-diam. Menunggui kamu bekerja semalaman. Aku selalu bilang, kebahagiaanku biasanya datang dari hal-hal paling sederhana. Dan kesederhanaan itu nggak pernah meminta apa-apa.

Aku nggak akan gangguin kamu kalau kamu lagi sibuk. Aku nggak akan menarik-narik lengan bajumu dan bilang, dengerin-aku ketika kamu lagi kepingin sendirian. Aku nggak akan melompat-lompat di depanmu setiap saat cuma supaya kamu sadar bahwa aku ada. Aku nggak minta apa-apa. Nggak menuntut apa-apa. Nggak berharap apa-apa.

Kalau saatnya tiba, mungkin kita akan bertemu lagi—atau berpisah lagi. Bagaimanapun, hidup terus berjalan. Aku percaya, kita akan menemukan kebahagiaan yang sempurna di ujung sana. Bisa jadi kita bahagia berdua, bisa jadi kita akan bahagia sendiri-sendiri. Dua-duanya nggak masalah. Karena kita sama-sama tahu, hidup ini selalu penuh kejutan di setiap kelokannya.

Jadi, aku cuma mau bilang, sebetulnya aku ada di sini kalau kamu butuh. Nggak ada terms atau conditions. Sampai berapa lama… aku sendiri juga nggak bisa menjanjikan. Mungkin suatu hari kamu datang dan aku sudah keburu pergi; bisa juga sebaliknya. Tapi kalau dilihat-lihat, sepertinya aku masih akan cukup lama berada di sini. Aku masih cukup senang duduk-duduk santai dengan segelas minuman dingin di tangan, membaca Murakami sambil mengayun-ayunkan kaki, memandangi kamu sambil mendengarkan lagu-lagu dari iPod-ku.

So, take your time.

Terus, kalau kamu tanya kamu harus ngapain, aku akan bilang: nggak usah ngapa-ngapain. Menulis tentang kamu aja, seperti sekarang ini, sudah cukup bikin aku senang selama beberapa jam ke depan.


on tolerance.

I still remember how difficult it was for me growing up. My Dad is from Chinese origin. My Mom is Javanese. Dad’s family are mostly Christians and Catholics, Mom’s family are mostly Moslems. Being a Chinese-Javanese and also a Moslem in the 80s-90s was complicated and could be overwhelming at times, especially for a kid.

I realized how I felt so different during my early childhood. I couldn’t get close to my cousins from my Dad’s side because I didn’t go the Sunday school like everyone else, I didn’t know the titles of those Chinese movies they talked about, I didn’t know how to call my aunty or my uncle properly in Chinese, I didn’t celebrate Chinese New Year, and so on and so forth. I couldn’t get close to my cousins from my Mom’s side either, because physically, I look Chinese, I didn’t join their Quran lessons every Friday, and… I went to a Catholic school. Read the rest of this entry »


Cinderella.

The prince leans to the girl in scarlet heels, Her green eyes slant, hair flaring in a fan Of silver as the rondo slows; now reels Begin on tilted violins to span The whole revolving tall glass palace hall Where guests slide gliding into light like wine; Rose candles flicker on the lilac wall Reflecting in a million flagons’ shine, And glided couples all in whirling trance Follow holiday revel begun long since, Until near twelve the strange girl all at once Guilt-stricken halts, pales, clings to the prince As amid the hectic music and cocktail talk She hears the caustic ticking of the clock.

~ Cinderella, by Sylvia Plath ~

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nanathnadia

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Model: Nadia Sabrina


names.

When I wrote down his name in my journal entry, I knew that he would always be that special someone. Someone who marked yet another important chapter of my life.

I knew how the other names (temporarily) ended: missing boyfriend I’ve never heard of again, a friend I used to have a silent crush upon, ex-boyfriend I’ve never talk to any longer, ex-boyfriends I still talk to, ex-boyfriend I still secretly think about, someone I continue to admire from faraway, old crush that I come to detest, heartbreakers who fade away in time, boyfriend material turns best friend…

But each one, each names, represented who I was, who I used to be. Their treats and personalities and the way they barged in represented the things I was looking for at a particular stage of my life. They represented passing years; they represented my biggest fears, my faintest hopes, my shattered dreams, my glorious days, my difficult times, my tacit disappointments, my wishful thinking… myself. Read the rest of this entry »


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