Biasanya anak-anak cowok ini memenuhi inbox saya dengan email-email jorok. Tetapi hari itu sebuah review mengenai film The Painted Veil urung membuat saya mengklik tombol delete. Tagline film itu membuat saya tersentak kaget:
Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people.
God. That is one of the most beautiful lines I’ve ever heard in my whole life. Saya harus nonton film ini. Pokoknya harus. Semoga ekspektasi saya tidak berlebihan dan saya tidak jatuh kecewa…
Mempertemukan dua hati memang tidak pernah mudah. Saya nyaris setuju dengan frasa ‘gampang-gampang susah’. Debar-debar bukan lagi milik berdua, tetapi milik bersama. Wajah-wajah cemas yang menunggu, menengok ke pintu masuk setiap beberapa detik sekali. Ada beberapa mangkok mie angsio sapi, xiao long bao isi ayam, dan beberapa gumpal resah. Mungkin begini rasanya hendak menikah.
Jari-jari saya pun cepat melakukan senam pagi, meskipun saat itu sudah malam hari:”I’ve seen her, and I think she’s not your type.”
Kami pun menunggu selama beberapa waktu. Mungkin getar itu akan hadir tetapi butuh pemanasan. Tetapi akhirnya ragu menyingkir digantikan rasa lapar. Ketika getar-getar itu tidak hadir setelah lama ditunggu-tunggu, kami pun angkat kaki dan terdampar di sebuah kafe kecil di bilangan Kemang. Getar itu justru hadir pada hati yang tak lagi sendiri. Tetapi kami putuskan bahwa tak ada salahnya berkawan.
Segelas kopi menjelang tengah malam selalu bisa menghangatkan hati. Hingga saatnya seseorang membuka luka lama dengan sebuah kokology tentang Romeo dan Juliet, orang tua, tukang perahu, tukang kayu, dan biarawati.
“Gue tau, itu lu banget! Bener banget!” seorang kawan lama berteriak penuh semangat.
Perjalanan pulang yang terlalu singkat. Ketika hati diam, mencengkeram dalam malam yang beranjak dinihari. Ketika lagu-lagu menghentak berubah sendu. “I’ll never fall in love again …”
Mungkin kesedihan itu akhirnya mengambil rupa yang sama sekali berbeda. Ketika bukan lagi Romeo yang membuat saya bersusah hati; tetapi kenyataan bahwa Romeo mungkin bukan lagi lelaki yang saya cintai.
“I’ll never fall in love again? Amit-amit. Jangan sampai, yah!” dia tertawa.
Saya ikut tertawa. “Nggak, lah. Fall in love again? I’m ready!”
Dan ternyata saya masih baik-baik saja hingga hari ini. Yuk, mariii …
“It’s just that … I am so in love with him. I know I’m in a deep shit. Rescue me!” she yelled over a cup of coffee. The tears. The tissues. Disappointment. It hurts her. And it hurts us.
The rain had just stopped as we gathered inside that small coffee shop in town. Just us. As always.
We sat there in silence for a few moments, and then I asked her: “Are you sure? Do you really want to be rescued?”
She couldn’t answer to that.
There’s nothing we can do to change her mind. She is a grown-up now. She knows that she’s doing what she’s not supposed to be doing. But she has made her own choice. To live with it. And to bear all the consequences that might occur along the way. To her, the pain has become somehow addictive. And now she’s simply numb. Numb of all the things she used to believe …
“Loving him is not a mistake. The mistake lies in loving him the way you do.”
Seorang teman sebentar lagi akan menikah. Seorang lagi justru baru saja berpisah. Seorang kawan mengaku sedang gelisah. Seorang lagi tengah dihantui perasaan bersalah. Ketika seseorang diam-diam menyimpan rasa, ada seseorang yang tengah berupaya menepiskan cinta. Ketika sekeping cinta dilepaskan ke udara, seorang sahabat berlari untuk menangkap jatuhnya, sementara seorang lagi bersembunyi agar tak terkena serpihannya.
Ada cah benci dan cinta dalam setiap piring yang terhidang di meja. Teraduk rata sehingga kita tidak bisa memilih satu saja di antara keduanya.
Ada sebuah jendela yang terbuka pada suatu malam yang terlalu sendiri. Di saat yang bersamaan, sebuah jendela tertutup pada pagi hari yang terlalu sedih untuk dilewati berdua.
Duka itu bukan untuk dibagi, tetapi untuk dipendam sendiri.
Dan ia remuk pada satu hari di mana dunia nampak demikian kejam dan memusuhi. Dia berpaling hanya untuk mengetahui bahwa ia tengah menangis sendiri. Saya melihat bayangan saya di cermin pagi ini. Dan saya melihat dia. Dia yang menangis, tanpa bahu untuk bersandar.
Mungkin ini saat dimana dia harus berdiri sendiri. Bukan waktunya lagi saya cemas berlari menghampiri. Ada waktu-waktu di mana saya ingin dia bisa hidup tanpa saya. Bukan karena saya ingin dia mandiri dan mampu mengatasi segala kesulitan sendiri. Tetapi karena saya sudah lelah selalu menjadi alas kaki.
When I was 13 (or 14? I’m too lazy to count) someone gave me a cute teddy bear on Valentine’s day. I still keep the teddy bear until now, and you probably have taken a glimpse of it in my previous postings. It is irresistably cute 🙂
OK, so that’s one memory.
The other one was quite funny, though.
It happened one Valentine, when I was still in college. We’re bestfriends of five: two guys and three girls. Since four of us are single, we decided to spend Valentine’s eve together. Hey, why not? It would be better than staying at home and whining about our miserable love-lives ;p
We dragged ourselves into a car, after one of us declared that she had a discount card from TC Square in Kemang. So, off we went 🙂 Before we reached TC Square, we passed plenty of florists with beautiful red and white roses on display. Of course, the girls were drooling; and (again, why not?) we asked the guys to buy us white roses. No, we urged the guys to do so!
Now each girl got a white rose of her own 🙂 How lovely.
We spent the whole night chatting, laughing, taking pictures … it was everything but romantic. But then suddenly things got a bit more serious and the last thing I knew, we have made some sort of promise with burning candles as the witnesses.
Now, to be honest,
I can no longer remember what was that promise all about. Well, no problem. I think I’m not the only one …
About this funny feeling I felt inside of me since the very first time we met. About how the feeling lingers up to now; though the intensity has lessen bit by bit. About how I choose to remember you the way I want it; until sometimes the boundaries between what is real and what is not becomes idle. About how I’ve been trying to hate you, only to find myself loving you even more. About how I’ve been trying to let you go, but turns out that I cannot. About how you’ve changed my world since then. About how you’ve changed me.
And I wonder if, just once in your busy life, you’ve ever noticed my presence.
I wish I could tell you all these things without being selfish. Since the consequences of having this wish granted might ruined everything about us. About you. And the last thing I want is for you to feel like you’re obliged to cheer me up when things turn ugly.
I have so many soundtracks about us; shuffling inside my head, everyday, as I remember you. James Blunt’s You’re Beautiful is playing right now, since I came to remember the time when you asked me something, and I answered by saying that it wasn’t important.
You wonder why.
James Blunt’s still playing in my head, and I turn up the volume, hoping that somehow you’ll be able to hear it.
You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
and I don’t know what to do.
Cause I’ll never be with you.
hanny
WANT TO SHARE WITH SOMEONE WHO NEED THIS?
Hi. I'm HANNY
I am an Indonesian writer/artist/illustrator and stationery web shop owner (Cafe Analog) based in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. I love facilitating writing/creative workshops and retreats, especially when they are tied to self-exploration and self-expression. In Indonesian, 'beradadisini' means being here. So, here I am, documenting life—one word at a time.
