*dedicated to Ji Eun and the Kim’s family
I met Ji Eun for the first time when I was still a 4th-semester university student. On a sunny Tuesday afternoon, I went to Ascott Apartment to meet my new “student”.
It all started a few months ago, when I was hired to teach Indonesian language for Mr. C.K. Seol, a new Korean manager in Samsung Corporation. The job finally led me to meet Mr. Seol’s superior in the corporation, Mr. Kim Bae Jung. Mr. Kim told me that in a few days, his family would flee from Bundang, Korea to Jakarta.
There would be 3 members of his family to arrive: his wife, his son, and his daughter. His son was currently a university student in the USA, so he would just spend a few days in Indonesia before flying back there. However, at that moment, Mr. Kim was worrying about his daughter. He wanted his 15 y.o. daughter to be accepted as a student in Jakarta International School, but the girl’s English was far from perfect. He had heard the fact that to be accepted in JIS, one should pass a series of examinations, including the famous TOEFL test.
At last, Mr. Kim asked me to give his daughter a private English lesson for a week; four hours a day. I was like … WHAT?!! I had suggested Mr. Kim to contact EF or other well-known English institutions to seek for a professional help. But I had no idea why he persisted to appoint me as his daughter’s mentor.
Let’s put it this way: His daughter could barely speak English. I can’t speak Korean (my vocabulary was limited to “annyong haseyo”, “cha”, and “kamsa hamnida” only). What could I possibly do to help this girl? I’ve told him the fact that I wasn’t the right person for this matter, and I didn’t think I have the capability to guide his daughter through the TOEFL test, either. He didn’t want to listen. It was finalised somehow, though I was still trying to protest …
It still came to my surprise up to this day. The next thing I knew, the next day I was standing in front of the Kim’s apartment with my friends, Victor and Mia (whom I asked to accompany me for the first meeting!). A boy around my age opened the door. Behind him was a woman (Mrs. Kim, I guessed). The boy is Ji Eun’s brother. He speaks English fluently, and he was the one who explained to me about the whole situation, introduced me to the whole family (Mrs. Kim speaks very little English, but she smiles a lot), and got me hooked up with his sister.
Ji Eun is a very shy kind of girl. She spoke in a very low voice, almost like whispering, and she only muttered one or two words in English during our first lesson … Oh, what a challenge! The next day, she was a little bit relaxed, and we got through the lessons … The funny thing was she always bring an English-Korean electronic translator with her, to help us communicate better. So everytime I said something she didn’t understand, she would asked me to type the word in her translator, and then she would take a look at the translation … then smiled and nodded. Then she would type what she’d like to say in Korean, and handed in the translator to me.
It was really funny, and quite sad, actually. Because I do want to know her better, but our conversation couldn’t get any further. A week had passed, and Ji Eun had gone through her JIS test. She was nervous about the result, I could tell it from her face. So did I. I felt responsible in some way. However, awaiting for the result, her father still wanted me to teach her English every Saturday for 4 hours ( because I told Mr. Kim I won’t be able to teach her on workdays — I have a class to attend!).
One gloomy Saturday morning, when we’re in the middle of our lesson, Ji Eun received a phone call from his father, and the next thing I knew, she was laughing and yelled,”I pass the test! I pass the test!”. I laughed and we were jumping up and down in her bedroom, excited. Ji Eun ran to the living room to tell her mom the good news.
The news had a big impact. It changed everything. Ji Eun became more and more confident, and so we’re getting closer by the day. She started to look like a little sister to me. We had a long chat during lunchtime and it turned out that she had so much thing to tell, despite her silence-mode last week. She told me how she missed Bundang and her friends in Korea, the sweet-potato pizza in Korean Pizza Hut, the fact that she loves to draw, read novels (Harry Potter and DaVinci Code are her favorite), watching horror movies, and working on mathematics equation (wow, she’s brilliant in maths!). She told me about a cute guy in JIS, her class-mate, her life in Korea, the fact that she felt lonely in Jakarta … the stories came from her mouth as if she had been struggling to resist the urge to tell it in ages.
Most of the times, I felt sorry for her. Her parents was quite tough on her, while she was a very sensitive little girl. Sometimes, when I felt lazy and she did too, we spent the whole afternoon listening to Yiruma’s CD or simply conversing with each other. Telling stories. Two months had passed. Her English had gotten much better, though the translator still helped us a lot…
Ji Eun had moved to Singapore due to his father’s job, and when I passed some Korean restaurants or watched Korean movies … she crossed my mind. It was an interesting experience. A unique relationship. The way we chat with each other by using our hand-gestures, drawing pictures … try to understand what the other side was meant to say.
The fact that a smile carries a thousand of messages, crossing all boundaries. Crossing cultures. The truth that different language is actually not a barrier to start a friendship. All you need to make friends is just an open heart … and probably, an electronic translator!
Saya sedang bosan sekali nih. Kerjaan lagi nggak seru. Nulis juga lagi buntu lagi. Sampai suatu ketika, saat saya sedang mengemudi sendirian di tol Cipularang tiba-tiba, lagi-lagi, saya berpikir tentang arti kehidupan.
Sebetulnya untuk apa kita hidup? (see: ari’s blog)
Hmm, sekitar tahun 2004, saya pernah menulis: “Hidup adalah meraba-raba dalam kegelapan, mencoba mencari jalan keluar. Kemungkinan besar, kita nggak akan pernah tau apa-apa saja yang sudah kita lewati dalam kegelapan itu, tapi yang penting adalah: kita sudah keluar. Dan kembali berada di tempat terang. Itulah hidup. Kadang-kadang kita nggak perlu mengerti semuanya. Kita hanya perlu berjalan melewatinya.”
Sekarang, selagi saya membaca kembali posting “Meaning of Life” di blog teman sekantor saya (yang kebetulan juga seorang dosen HI, konsultan PR, dan lajang Cosmo 2005 … ! hihihihi), pikiran saya melayang-layang mempertanyakan hal yang sama, yang sudah sering saya lontarkan di kala sedang merasa sangat sendirian. “What is the meaning of life?”
Kalau sudah begini saya jadi iri pada Dante, a Belgian friend of mine.
Dia benar-benar menikmati hidupnya. Melakukan apa yang dia mau. Backpacking keliling Eropa dan Asia. Keluar dari bangku kuliah (walaupun sebenarnya dia bisa kuliah gratis di Brussels) dan memilih untuk belajar sendiri di perpustakaan universitas. Tenggelam dalam topik-topik yang menarik minatnya: ecotourism, world economy, social and community development, education, philosophy, cultural relations …
Dia lebih memilih untuk bergabung dengan berbagai organisasi, Greenpeace, Asia-Europe Youth Forum, dan masih banyak lagi. Dia mengejar kesempatan bertemu dengan orang-orang yang ahli dalam bidang-bidang yang ia minati. Menelepon mereka dan mengajak makan siang. Bertukar pikiran. Menulis dan membagikan semua yang dia rasa pada teman-temannya yang tersebar di berbagai penjuru dunia.
Dante bekerja untuk mendapatkan uang, kemudian menghabiskan uangnya untuk melakukan hal-hal yang dia suka. Travelling, melihat dunia. Membeli buku-buku yang bisa membuat pikiran dan hatinya kaya. Menghabiskan waktu dengan berjalan-jalan di udara bebas, bersepeda di hutan dekat kampus, lalu beristirahat sambil membaca. Melibatkan diri dalam youth camp yang diadakan di sana-sini. Menyuarakan pemikiran dan aspirasinya lewat berbagai global network yang tersedia lewat Internet.
Sedikit banyak, dia mempengaruhi saya lewat email-emailnya. Membuat saya jauh lebih dewasa. Membuat saya ingin belajar lebih banyak mengenai hal-hal yang tidak pernah menarik minat saya sebelumnya. Awalnya saya hanya merasa tertantang. Merasa harus bisa “menandingi” pemikiran-pemikirannya yang sangat berorientasi jangka panjang. Jadi saya mulai memperluas wawasan, mempelajari hal-hal yang baru sama sekali buat saya. Bertukar pikiran itu ternyata menyenangkan, jika kita tau apa yang tengah diperbincangkan.
Senangnya, bisa hidup sebagai diri sendiri, berani untuk menyingkirkan ekspektasi
orang lain (terutama orang-orang yang kita cintai dan mencintai kita), dan hidup sepenuhnya sebagai diri sendiri, mengejar keinginan, mewujudkan angan-angan, memiliki kenangan yang tidak akan ada habis-habisnya jika diceritakan. Pengalaman. Cerita. Masa lalu yang tidak pernah disesali. Masa depan yang menunggu untuk dijelajahi.
Mungkin itulah hidup yang sesungguhnya. Mendengarkan kata hati. Mengikuti panggilan nurani. Mewujudkan mimpi-mimpi. Dan dalam perjalanan hidup itu, tak terasa kita mengubah orang-orang yang kita temui. Membawa senyum atau tangis dalam hidup mereka, yang membuat mereka menjadi seseorang yang lebih dewasa. Memberi pelajaran berharga; atau memberi kenangan manis untuk mereka ingat ketika sedang merasa sangat sendiri. Menyentuh kehidupan banyak orang. Mengerti bahwa apa yang kita lakukan hari ini, detik ini, akan mengubah kehidupan seseorang yang sama sekali tidak kita kenal pada suatu hari nanti.
Kemudian saya melihat kalender yang berdiri di meja kerja saya. Sebuah kalender tahun 2005 bernuansa cokelat karamel dan kalender tahun 2006 yang berwarna putih. Cerah. Cepat, pandangan saya beralih. Handphone saya tergeletak di samping mug oranye bergambar Campbell’s Soup-nya Andy Warhol. Tidak ada SMS lagi. Sudah jam 6.15 sekarang. Jemputan saya tidak lama lagi datang, sementara kertas-kertas berisi publikasi United Fibre System dan Kiani Kertas masih bertebaran. Saya rasa, saya tengah berusaha mengalihkan perhatian.
Entah kenapa, saya tidak ingin membiarkan pikiran saya melarut dalam lamunan berkepanjangan, mencari apa arti hidup. Mungkin saya terlalu lelah, atau saya telah sampai pada satu titik di mana pertanyaan-pertanyaan tidak lagi dilontarkan untuk memperoleh jawaban.
Mungkin kita semua akan mengerti arti hidup jika kita sudah berhenti mempertanyakannya. Dan mulai menjalaninya. Sepenuhnya. Karena hari esok masih menunggu untuk diceritakan.
“I always treasure friendships and always enjoy having friends wherever and whenever. But this time, I think I should given up one friendship. When the relationship is no longer healthy and one person feels hurt everytime they communicate but the other person is enjoying it and pushing too hard, then perhaps it’s better to call it a quit” (see: nila’s little corner)
I have no idea what is going on between my friends at the moment. It makes me sad to see how a friendship torn apart because of an unexplainable cause. It reminds me of how once I had to give up a friendship, and it still hurts just to remember it. I hate giving up a friendship, but sometimes, you just have to. And the situation I’m in right now makes me sad … because a friendship is threatened, and here I am, thinking hard if probably there’s something I could do to save it.
I’ve experienced myself the sadness of seeing a friendship come into an end, and I don’t want to see the same thing happens to my friends. I want to do something to help. But then again, who am I? I’m almost an outsider right now, and probably I have no right to interfere …
Still, it’s bugging me. What am I doing, trying to save someone else’s friendship while I couldn’t save my own?!! Why, that’s ridiculous. However, I think I have to do something. It’s hard to see someone suffers and do nothing about it. I just want to help … but do I have a capability to help? Or I’ll just make the situation worse? What if I made the wrong move and then … the friendship will be over because of my interference?!! Then the guilty feeling will haunt me for as long as I live!
I used to tell myself that friendship is a two-way kind of thing. You can’t save a friendship if the others want to call it a quit. You can try all means to save a friendship, but if the others didn’t want to … well, what can you do? You can’t force them to join your struggle, anyhow. And then, it crossed my mind: “What am I doing here? Why am I trying hard to protect our friendship and trying to please them, while they don’t seem to care at all?”
It’s sad to fight for something nobody wants to fight for.
Now, I am scared. Scared because I might have said something wrong, that I have been given a wrong solution to someone else. It’s difficult for me to see they’re drifting away from each other, futher and further every day. It’s sad to know someone is hurt, and the others don’t realize that. If only I could turn back time to those days when everything’s fine. Those smiling faces, the laughter we share during lunchtime, the silly jokes, the stupid things …
I miss those days.
I don’t know whether I’m going to do something about this, or just stay still. I do believe that a true friendship lasts forever; it will never end. And suddenly this thing crossed my mind: probably you can’t save a friendship. All you can do is just stay still and let friendship saves you.
Not long after I turned on my computer early this morning, I got a pop-up notification that I had just received an e-mail. It was from Matteo, an Italian friend of mine. On his letter, he told me about his Christmas celebration in Italy—well, in Genoa, to be exact (because there’s where he lives). So, I would love to share his e-mail to you all; just to throw some more Christmas feelings in the air, cause it feels like holiday, already!!! :p
How are you? I’m fine! In this period in Italy we are preparing to celebrate Christmas time, you know, so we decorated our house mostly using red, gold, and green as usual, but also some new Byzantine colors, that are very charming indeed. By the way our Xmas tree isn’t too big, but full of lights, balls, angels, many other decorations and even a Santa Claus near the top, where we put a big comet star, then all around the tree we organized a Nativity scene, with many figures, little houses, palms, Roman soldiers, animals, the Three Kings and so on, recreating a little part of old Palestine as we are used to know from books and illustrations.
In these last days me and my family have been driven crazy because of the many presents we had to buy for each relative of ours. We also decided to help the others by giving some money for the scientific research, during the Telethon Show, and buying candles, cakes, covers, and little things like that for old people living alone in a hospice near our town. Plus we gave some money to certain homeless, who we have met down in Genoa, and bought some food for dogs and cats, which are living in captivity into a kennel in our town. Well, nothing serious, just little things like that, that help you to feel closer the Spirit of Christmas, and which reminds you that we aren’t alone in this world, above all when it is supposed that everybody should be happier than usual…
In Italy people give a great consideration to family lunches and dinners of these holy fests, so after having cleaned and decorated our houses, and after having greeted everybody, we spend lots of time cooking food or baking cakes and other good dishes. For example my mom bakes butter, cocoa, and chocolate cookies, then she prepares a kind of “Panettone” called “Panettone Genovese”, which contains flour, eggs and butter, of course, then raisin, pine nuts, candied fruit, lemon peel, and few aniseed seeds, then she cooks cocks and roast-beef, then “Tortellini” and “Ravioli” or “Lasagne”, boils chicken, prepares fish, vole-au-vents, appetizers of every kind, then Russian Salad, and many sweet creams to fill into cakes or to cover the “Pannetone”, then she cut exotic fruit and prepare a big fruit salad, and long drinks, too, plus many dried fruit, pecan nuts, hazelnuts, peanuts, and so on. Then we bought champagne, too, in order to give a big toast to the season and to our relatives and friends as well.
On the Christmas’ Eve we will go to the Midnight Mass altogether, and for the first time there will be my girlfriend next to me. Well, to tell the truth, this is the second time, given that the very first happened when I was just 17 and I went out will a girl called Sa**ina, who was 16 at that period, but we were too young, and to be honest, I have already forgotten that time, filing it into a mental file called “Old Memories”, if you can understand what I mean… Anyway before the Mass we will have a reunion with other people, for example our neighbours and friends, then we will walk altogether to the Church, handing a little torch, so there should be a long parade of lights, that light up the night, recreating a suggestive image, very sweet and touching.
After the Mass we will meet again, joining our club—you must be a member to enter it—where we can celebrate that Holy Night by drinking hot chocolate and hot spicy wine, eating very little sandwiches and pizza slices, or some “Pannetone” and “Pandoro” and “Torrone” too, which are all typical Christmas cakes and sweets. Then we will open our presents, having a toast with Champagne or “Spumante”, and finally go to bed. On the 25th of December, we celebrate the Xmas Day with a big family lunch, that’s so long and important, that starts at Midday and stops in the afternoon, more or less at 6:00 pm, so people won’t dinner at all on that day!
We commemorate the Boxing Day as well, still having another family lunch, then we are on vacation till the 9th of January, celebrating above all the New Year’s Eve, the New Year Day and the Epiphany Day too, always mostly with dinners and lunches, but also going to the movie, reading books, cocooning in our own homes, going to the Carousel, meeting friends, relaxing, playing cards or bingo, watching TV shows and things like that, you know … Then I can’t wait for the big New Year’s Eve Party, that will be fest by my g/friend, my friend and I in a cool club round here, and for the fireworks as well.
OK, it’s time to go, I have still many things to do, and so few time for doing everything in the right time, so I’d like to stop here, if you don’t mind. Have a wonderful season, and don’t forget that I love you, my friend!
Here I am, behind my desk in the office, surrounded by those wall-sized window pane overlooking our little garden …
It’s raining lightly outside. I just can’t keep my sight away from the falling raindrops, the way it ripples the surface of our little fish pond, the way it gives the green leaves a sparkling kind of effect. The soft orange light from my desk-lamp, romantic songs from Mbak Sri’s computer, a little teddy bear given by an ex boyfriend …
Wow. It feels like home! It feels like holiday! It feels like … us.
I miss you. Much.
I woke up this morning and felt a bit empty. The feeling of missing someone so bad, and yet I was left with the redemption of not knowing for sure about who that someone is. My head feels heavy since then. I guess I’m getting sick (again?!!). My heart feels heavy, as well. (Could it be some kind of guilty feeling?) And still, my thought goes to you …
I miss you. Much.
I use to pray for us (and our dreams) before I go to bed at night. I have my dream, and you have yours. Different world, different path, different future, different way, but we do understand each other well enough to go through it together. To keep conflicts away. To support our pursuit, though I don’t live your dream and you don’t live mine.
I miss you. Much.
You have delivered such a magical moment into my life, and I know I have delivered one for you as well. We’re not in love with each other (yet?) — because there’s a saying “never say never” …
Probably love is not the reason why we stick together up to now. It’s not because of love that we drop some messages on the net after stopped talking for a month. It’s not because of love that we keep on longing for each other’s presence during our toughest times. It’s not because of love that we share our dreams and promise to pursue it together. It’s not because of love that we’re trying to make each other a part of our own reality. It’s not because of love that we resist ourselves from getting involved with somebody new.
I miss you. Much.
It’s curiosity that keeps us together this far. We drop messages to find out whether each one of us have come to realize the dreams. It’s desperation that brought us back to each other during our saddest moments. It’s envy that caused us to share our dreams and pursue it together. I just want to know how far you’ve come, and so do you. It’s loneliness that caused us trying hard to brought each other into our own reality. It’s jealousy that keeps us reluctant to meet somebody new.
I miss you. Much.
Probably curiosity, desperation, envy, loneliness, and jealousy are simply love which is less expressed …
But, anyway, I’m still missing you. I miss us. And all the things we’ve accidentaly missed.
Have you ever thought how time seems to pass slower when you’re spending your vacation alone in a small cabin at a remote place without those hi-tech gadgets around you?
I always feel that way.
Being trapped in big cities like Jakarta–with its busy people buzzing around the street, minding their own business–always makes me feel that time passes a lot faster! Why, it shouldn’t be like that! I mean … in big cities, we have access to hi-tech gadgets that was invented primarily to save time!
There are microwave ovens (plus frozen/canned foods) so you don’t have to spend too much time cooking your meals. There are cars and planes so you don’t have to spend your lifetime traveling on donkeys or horses or even camels. There are vacuum cleaners so you don’t have to spend your time sweeping the floor with rustic brooms … there are washing machines, toasters, computers. And of course, the greatest invention for busy people: give a big round of applause to instant noodles, everyone!
Drat! Those things should have saved a lot of people’s time, don’t you think? So they could spend more time with their families and friends and their loved ones, so they could spend more time to look at those cute little flowers and feel the moisture sensation of the morning breeze and starring at the stars and the moon… and walking around the garden slowly, looking at the trees, the bees, the caterpillars…
If those gadgets were invented to save time (or being used to save time), then … people in big cities should have more time compared to those who are living in the village or other remote places.
But it is in big cities we are more often hear people say things like, “I don’t have time” or “I really have to leave now” or “I’m in a hurry”. Isn’t that funny–and pathetic at the same time?
The harder we try to save time by using these hi-tech gadgets, the more we run out of time. I don’t mind spend hours in the kitchen, cooking meals while conversing with my mum; instead of heating canned soup in a microwave. I don’t mind to go to the post office and mail a letter or a birthday card for my best friends who are studying abroad, instead of sending them an e-card to their Yahoo! mailbox. I don’t mind to spend hours looking out from my bedroom window, checking if there were shooting stars; rather than seeing it at the Planetarium.
I don’t mind to drop by at someone’s house and give them a hug rather than sending them a text message. I don’t mind to spend some time before I go to bed to pray for the whole world and all living beings, rather than watching headline news. I don’t mind to spend 35 minutes making a cinnamon-hazelnut coffee served in my best coffee cups rather than have it in 10 minutes at Starbucks.
I don’t mind to spend my whole life waiting for someone who loves me the way I am, instead of going out with every available singles in town. I don’t mind to turn off my cell phone as long as it takes, as I look at someone’s eyes deeply and tell him how much I love him.
For those things, I’ll never run out of time …
I find pleasure and happiness in simple things; small things that could make me soar on my lowest days … unimportant things that keeps me smiling on my saddest moments … (or am I just too easy to be pleased? hehehe :p)
These are 10 simple things that make me happy:
1. one scoop of ice cream (especially Spotty Dog!)
2. sitting at the back seat of the car; stucked in a traffic jam during heavy rain
3. smelling the fragrance of the wet soil
4. someone pats the tip of my head
5. looking at those shining stars in the night sky
6. watching people’s gestures at public places
7. buy a new book from QB!
8. white/water lillies
9. cuddling in my bed
10. someone gives me a gift for no reason at all …
Admiring someone could be dangerous … (not to mention the danger of being a huge fan of someone!).
The fact is, when we’re admiring someone, we have expectations upon that particular person. We admire him because we perceive him to be better than us. We perceive him somehow almost perfect. Sometimes we admire someone because they inspire us to do something. Or they simply brighten our days through their music/movies/writings … anything! Sometimes we’re being shallow by admiring someone just because of their good looks … hehehe :p
I guess now I know the reason why people tend to admire someone they don’t really “know”. We admire those well-known figures who don’t know us (they don’t even know that we’re alive!).
And the most important part is: we don’t really know who they really are as well!!!
It’s hard to admire someone you know well because when you know someone so well, you’ll see the fact that nobody’s perfect. That everyone lacks of something. That everyone has their own dark sides that they’re trying to hide perfectly.
Once, I was really into this person … being a big fan of him. My world circles around him. He seemed to be almost perfect. He is handsome and talented, famous but considerate, such a gentle and humble star, an open-minded and idealistic figure, a romantic husband, a father who loves his family … until I got to know him better … and found out that he was cheating on his wife.
Hmm, I’m still a big fan of him, actually. Partially, I guess :p I got wiser in admiring someone. Came to think about it, we should not admire SOMEONE. We should admire some special qualities posessed by that someone. Don’t you think?
Well, this is just another weird thoughts of mine … since today had been such a weird day as well.
“A person who could not lead himself won’t be able to lead others”
I came to understand the ultimate truth behind these words just a few days ago …
I won’t consider myself as a good leader (I need to improve my personal qualities on that particular area), but I think I am a good follower. Being a good follower means, you let the leader to guide you through. You let the leader show you the way. You take orders. I have never had problems of becoming a follower–until one day, I came to doubt my own qualities of becoming a good follower … :p
Probably I’m just trying to defend myself … hahahaha, however … it’s hard to follow someone who doesn’t know where he is going. That’s the reason why I have problems working with disorganized people and those who doesn’t have time management skills. I do have problems following those who changes minds every once and a while, or suddenly changes directions without further consideration of the consequences that might happen afterwards. It’s hard to follow someone who constantly breaks the deal that had been settled earlier. It’s hard when someone told you to work on file-C and before you have even finished, he said,”Leave that unfinished. Now work on file-B and file-D!” And moreover, it’s so damn hard to keep calm when you have to follow someone who gets panic during a crisis and start yelling at everyone–who doesn’t deserve to be yelled (since actually they have been very helpful).
I know it’s hard to be a good leader. Sometimes the circumstances just stressed you out. But, let’s face it, a good leader has to know how to motivate people, to appreciate an effort instead of a result, to stay calm under pressure, and taking control of the situation when everything went wrong. A good leader must be able to lead himself, and then show us the way into the light.
Well, apart from that, just because someone is not a good leader (yet), it doesn’t automatically means that one is a bad person (the same thing goes for followers). You could be such a loveable person without having to become a good leader. Really.
It takes time (and “patience”, everyone! *note*) to be a good leader.
So, it’s OK if you can’t really lead, or can’t really follow. At least we could try not to become a pain in the ass for others. Hmm, to be honest, sometimes I become a pain in the ass for others :p –especially when I’m not feeling well, hehehe (so please forgive me, fellows … !!!).
To wrapped it up, I came up with a conclusion … that being unhappy & unhealthy at the same time is such a dangerous combination! Trust me. I’ve been there … at that particular time you won’t be able to follow. To lead? In your dream!!!