I hated you because you’ve never asked me out on a date, for a romantic candle light dinner. Instead, you asked me to accompany you eating cheap meals from street-vendors’ tents. I hated you because you’ve never mad at me if I didn’t call you or if I was missing for a day or two; cause you yelled at your girls in anger if you called them and they didn’t answer. I hated you because you’ve never given me something romantic, like flowers or chocolates. I could not count how many times have I accompanied you to buy some romantic gifts for your girls.

I hated you because you didn’t throw a love letter to my desk during classes. Instead, you threw some gross tissue paper to tease me. I hated you because you’ve never asked me to skip class, because you used to do this to spend more times with your girls, cuddling, hugging, kissing … I hated you because you’ve never threatened or punched those guys with whom I went out. You used to do those things when a guy went out with a girl you had a crush on.

I hated you because you’ve never asked me out for clubbing, while you used to take your girls out until dawn. I hated you because you’ve never had an argument with me in front of everyone. You used to fight and quarrel with the girl you loved in front of public. I hated you because you’ve never asked me to sleep over at your place, because you slept with all your girlfriends. I hated you because you’ve never slapped me or hit me; since your girlfriends got this “treatment” every once and a while.

There were times when I envied those girls who were having a relationship with you. Of course, I was really young and stupid back then, hating you for all the things you’ve never done to me.

But as I grew older, I do realize that I am so lucky … and now, I LOVE YOU for all the things you’ve never done to me!

Thanks for not asking me to be your girlfriend!

hanny
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How fool … ! I thought THE SWEETEST DAY really exist … !

Probably Italians celebrate it on Oct 14th; I thought. Because on that particular day, Matteo sent me something “sweet, rich, dark, and simply irresistible”: CHOCOLATE … hahaha … what else do you expect? ;p Along with it, he sent me a note saying HAPPY SWEETEST DAY!

Doh, I thought there IS such a celebration in Italy. But when I asked him about it … NO!!! Hahaha, he told me that he made it up … there’s no SWEETEST DAY, either in Italy or anywhere else! “But isn’t it cute if there was such thing as SWEETEST DAY?”, so he said.

Hmm,
Should we celebrate SWEETEST DAY? What should we do during SWEETEST DAY?
Well, OK, let’s see. I imagine that SWEETEST DAY has everything to do with sweets of all kinds. Chocolate, ice cream, candies, lollypops, marshmallows, and of course cotton candies (I just love those pink fluffy stuff). Should we eat something sweet with the sweetest person in our lives? Or send something sweet to these people? Should we wrote a letter to the sweetest person in our lives, tell them the reason why we chose them as our sweetest person, and thanking them for being one?

So sweet!!! SWEETEST DAY could be my favorite day, then! :p

Came to think about it, I guess everyone should be given a freedom to choose for themselves. It’s up to each and everyone of you to celebrate SWEETEST DAY in a certain date, or a certain month–based on your preferences (or probably based on your past memories … hehehe).

When will I celebrate my SWEETEST DAY? Uhm, probably on the 1st of November (based on personal reason, that is ;p) When will you celebrate your SWEETEST DAY? And what will you do on this particular day?

hanny
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… a piece I wrote on early August (but haven’t got a chance to post it since then) …

Murky Saturday afternoon — 3:00 p.m. @ de-koffie pot

There were three of us. Saya, Jonte, dan Ifel–duduk mengelilingi sebuah meja dengan segelas kopi dingin pilihan masing-masing. We were at de-koffie pot. A cozy coffee-shop in town yang dulunya bernama The Colonial.

Saya nggak tau persis kapan dan kenapa cofee-shop itu berganti nama. Apakah karena nama The Colonial terasa kurang cocok dengan semangat nasionalisme menjelang perayaan 17 Agustus-an? Nggak ngerti, deh. Dan saya juga nggak tertarik untuk menyelidiki lebih lanjut mengenai hal itu. Yang jelas, nggak ada yang berubah dari one of my favorite place itu. Interior design-nya nggak berubah, suasananya nggak berubah. Rasa kopinya juga nggak berubah, begitu pula ukuran strawberry smoothies-nya. Mudah-mudahan rasa cheesecake-nya juga nggak berubah–coz I just love their strawberry cheesecakes!

Saya, Jonte dan Ifel juga nggak berubah–walaupun nama kita masing-masing sempat beberapa kali berubah.

Dulu, saya adalah Hanny. Kemudian dipanggil “Bhene” ketika bergabung dengan kelompok teman yang berbeda semasa SMP. Sekarang, saya juga punya nama lain: Litik. Nama “Litik” diberikan oleh salah seorang teman dekat saya di kampus, singkatan dari liliput leutik. Belakangan, saya adalah “Nie”.

Dulu, Jonte adalah Jonathan. Di SMP, dia adalah “Jonte”. Di SMA, dia dipanggil “Sinsin”. Kemudian nama “Cinta” melekat padanya sewaktu dia tengah pacaran dengan salah satu cewek paling cantik di sekolah. Di Dedham, dia adalah “Jon” (katanya orang-orang Amerika itu susah menangkap aksennya ketika dia memperkenalkan diri sebagai Jonathan. Jadi dia lebih suka introducing himself as “Jon”). Saya sendiri belakangan memanggil dia “Maru”–for some stupid reasons. :p

Ifel sendiri pernah jadi “Felicia”, “Fei”, dan “Feli”.

So what’s the point of all these?
Well, saya pikir … nama-nama panggilan itu mungkin menggambarkan fase-fase tertentu dalam kehidupan kita. Memberikan petunjuk mengenai dengan siapa kita bergaul pada saat itu. Mungkin nama-nama itu mewakili semua orang dan semua hal yang kita suka atau kita benci pada satu kurun waktu tertentu. Tapi yang jelas, nama-nama panggilan itu nggak pernah mengubah who we really are inside.

Kalau dipikir-pikir, saya, Jonte, dan Ifel have been bestfriends since our last year in elementary school. Mungkin udah 10 tahun lebih kita saling kenal. Uniknya, selama 10 tahun ini kita nggak selalu sama-sama seiring sejalan. Ada saat-saat tertentu ketika kita jauh; apakah itu karena kita tengah sibuk sendiri dengan kelompok-kelompok teman yang berbeda, terpisahkan oleh benua yang berbeda, or simply because kita tengah khilaf dan memilih untuk tenggelam dalam ruang cinta bersama kekasih (ruang yang terlalu sempit jika harus disesaki teman-teman).

Kami bertiga sempat terpisahkan selama 4 tahun–dan cuma berhubungan lewat e-mail atau sms (yang lumayan jarang). Tapi no matter what, kami selalu kembali lagi. Bertiga. Nggak peduli siapa lagi sibuk sama siapa, siapa lagi pacaran sama siapa, atau siapa lagi marahan sama siapa, in the end, there will always be the three of us …

Sekalinya kami bertemu lagi, even setelah terpisahkan selama 4 tahun, kami bisa menjadi orang-orang gila yang sama lagi. Menertawakan lelucon-lelucon yang cuma kita sendirilah yang tahu di mana letak kelucuannya. Membangkitkan kenangan lama.Merencanakan masa depan. Melakukan hal-hal yang sama yang selalu kami lakukan ketika tengah kumpul bareng bertahun-tahun yang lalu. Making fun of ourselves. Making fun of others. Merasa nyaman. Merasa dekat. It’s just feels right when we’re together.

Saya bersyukur banget karena saya sudah mengenal begitu banyak orang dalam hidup saya. Memiliki begitu banyak teman. But in terms of years and years of friendship, saya akan selalu bicara mengenai kami bertiga. Persahabatan bukan berarti harus bersama-sama setiap waktu. Bukan berarti harus saling telepon setiap hari atau nggak boleh punya teman-teman lain. Bukan berarti harus kumpul bareng seminggu atau sebulan sekali.

Persahabatan adalah ujian. Ketika terpisahkan sekian lama dan masih saling merindukan. Ketika bertemu dengan teman-teman baru dan masih tidak saling melupakan. Ketika pertengkaran membuat kita merasa sedih, bukannya marah. Ketika perselisihan membuat kita merasa takut kehilangan. Ketika kata-kata menyakitkan yang terlontar menjadi lem yang semakin erat merekatkan. Ketika kebahagiaan membuat kita menangis terharu, bukan cuma tertawa.

Persahabatan adalah tiket pulang ke rumah yang berlaku seumur hidup. Sosok yang kita tuju ketika kita mulai lelah. Sosok yang menenangkan ketika kita gundah. Seseorang yang membuat kita merasa utuh. Seseorang yang membiarkan kita merasa hebat–just for being ourselves …

hanny
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It’s hard to forgive others; but it’s even harder to forgive yourself …

Saya nggak tau apakah pernyataan di atas berlaku untuk semua orang atau nggak; yang jelas, kalimat itu berlaku buat saya. Emh, sebenernya not really juga, sih. It’s not that hard for me to forgive others. ;p

Saya termasuk orang yang pemaaf (beneran, lho) … hahaha … ! Jadi kalo hari ini lagi benci dan sebel banget sama seseorang, besok juga udah langsung lupa lagi. Padahal pas lagi sebel-sebelnya udah kebayang tuh, hal-hal jelek seperti:

“Awas ya, lain kali kalo dia nelepon lagi nggak bakal saya angkat!”
atau
“Liat aja, lain kali saya nggak akan bantuin dia lagi!”

Eh, tapi besok atau lusa, perasaan itu udah langsung berkurang sampai 90%. Dan akhirnya terlupakan begitu saja seiring berjalannya waktu ;p Yang menjadi masalah buat saya justru sebaliknya.

It’s so damn hard for me to forgive myself.

I’ve done lots of mistakes in my life, some are huge mistakes that took place somewhere in my past and hurted those I loved … and I think I haven’t managed to forgive myself for those mistakes. Until now.

Am I too hard on myself? Or probably … I have waaayyyy too much “angelic” side inside of me? Hahaha … nope, just kiddin’!!! ;p

But, to be serious, Saya merasa bahwa somehow it’s unforgiveable when I hurt other’s feelings. Seperti cerita klasik tentang anak kecil itu, lho. Kata bokapnya, setiap kali anak itu merasa marah atau berbuat jahat sama orang lain, dia harus menancapkan sebuah paku di pagar untuk mengendalikan amarahnya. Dan akhirnya, ketika pagar rumah mereka sudah penuh dengan paku, dan si anak kecil ini sedikit demi sedikit sudah mulai bisa mengendalikan amarahnya, bokapnya nyuruh anak tadi mencabut kembali semua paku itu… sampai yang tertinggal hanyalah pagar rumah mereka yang berlubang-lubang.

The moral of the story is … (hehehe) setiap kali kita menyakiti orang lain, kita seperti menancapkan paku ke hati mereka (*jleb!* ;p) dan ketika kita minta maaf, paku itu kita cabut lagi. But it’s not over. Karena hati mereka tetap berlubang. Seperti pagar itu. Sekalinya kita menyakiti orang, nggak peduli berapa kali kita mau minta maaf, kita tetep meninggalkan bekas di hati mereka. Bekas yang nggak akan pernah hilang …

Another analogy? Seperti kita melemparkan batu ke dalam danau yang tenang. Waktu kita lemparin batunya, air di danau itu jadi beriak-riak. Tetapi nggak lama kemudian airnya jadi tenang lagi. Nobody knows that once, we had thrown a stone into the pond. Sepertinya nggak ada yang berubah. Tapi kita tahu, bahwa dasar danau itu sudah berubah. Batu yang kita lempar ada di dasar danau sana. And in one and other way, we’ve changed the pond, and the pond will never be the same again …

Just like the song TOXIC by Robbie Williams: “stick and stones may break my bones, but words can burn a happy homes, it’s true … ”

Probably the thing I’ve said … hurts people. Make them cry. And make them feel sorry for themselves. Word is cruel. It’s mean. That’s the reason why, whenever I get mad, I tend to lock myself in my bedroom, stay away of people (especially people that I love) and try to keep my mouth shut–as a preventive attempt. I don’t wanna say some words I’m going to regret later on.

So, please bear in mind … that if I’m mad at you and I’m trying to avoid you (instead of blurting out cruel words at you);that’s because I love you!!! If I don’t want to see you; don’t want to meet you; don’t want to talk to you; or don’t want to receive a phone call from you… that’s because I want to prevent myself from saying evil things about you …!!!

Cause I love you so much, so much that I don’t want to hurt you—and I won’t let others to hurt you, either!

This is my way of loving.

Please do understand …

hanny
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Ok, this might sounds ridiculous in some way … but I’m not ashamed to say that I’m still waiting for my first kiss.

So out-of-date, ya? Hahaha …

Kalau ada di antara kalian yang bertanya-tanya “kenapa” atau “how come”; mungkin saya cuma bisa bilang: “My heart hasn’t let me”. Klise? Could be. But that’s just how I feel inside. Now some of you might say: “Oh, it’s just a kiss, for God’s sake! It’s not like you’re having sex with someone!”

Mmh, yeah. It’s just a kiss. But it’s MY kiss, kan? Hehehe … ;p Honestly, I’m not waiting for a perfect guy (cause who am I, anyway, looking for a perfect guy? I am far from perfect myself!), a perfect setting, or a perfect moment, cause I know for waiting to do it perfect, it never gets done … Saya cuma menunggu sampai my heart tells me that this is the guy … and I could let him kiss me without a doubt in my heart about whether I want to do it or not, whether I’m ready or not, whether he deserves it or not, whether it’s going to feel good or not…

Karena kalau masih ada sedikiiiit aja rasa ragu dalam hati kita, it means our mind still takes control. It means we’re still thinking. Padahal … a kiss should come from the heart.

And heart doesn’t think …

I want my first kiss to come from my deepest heart. I want it to happen naturally, spontaneously. I want it to happen when I’m so in love with someone, so deep in love with someone… sehingga saya nggak akan sempat berpikir, meragu, atau mempertanyakan segala sesuatu…

And then I’ll let him kiss me just because everything FEELS right! ^_^

So, what about your first kiss? ;p

hanny
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Hanny illustrator
Hi. I'm HANNY
I am an Indonesian writer/artist/illustrator and stationery web shop owner (Cafe Analog) based in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. I love facilitating writing/creative workshops and retreats, especially when they are tied to self-exploration and self-expression. In Indonesian, 'beradadisini' means being here. So, here I am, documenting life—one word at a time.

hanny

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